Sunday, May 21, 2017

Live-tweeting from the end of the world

3/2/2017 It is official now- my wife has left me.
3/2/2017 Today is one of the top five worst days of my life.
3/2/2017 House is very, very empty this morning.
3/2/2017 She came back to get her things, accompanied by the police.
She really isn't coming back. My life is about to change again
dramatically.
3/2/2017 Wow. I am really all alone now. I don't know what to do.
3/2/2017 She won't even talk to me. Just... gone.
And with that I am scrambling to grab ahold of something
to keep me going.
3/2/2017 I am rambling too much. Sorry.
3/2/2017 This was unexpected,
What do I do now?
Could we start again please?
---Jesus Christ Superstar
3/3/2017 Holding on....
3/3/2017 Morning, everybody.
3/3/2017 Today might be a good day to take up alcoholism.
I've heard that hard lemonade and hard cherry cola
are pretty good.
3/3/2017 Sadness is creeping up on me. I have got to find
something to do.
3/3/2017 20 years this month... our first date was 20 years ago
this month. Married for 18 years.
3/3/2017 Really should get out and do something today,
but damned if I even want to leave the house.
3/3/2017 I wonder how much soda I would have to order
to get the pizza place to deliver it.
3/3/2017 Emptiness. A new feeling which I don't like.
3/3/2017 Shit this day has been bad....
3/4/2017 My thanks to the Baptists that told my wife she had
"biblical grounds" to leave me;
you never talked to me about it, but you know, whatever
3/4/2017 Good night, all
3/4/2017 Sad today.
3/5/2017 Watching wrestling and Walking Dead tonight.
I am used to my wife sitting at the table, not watching,
doing her coloring and puzzles.
3/5/2017 It is so quiet in this house now.
3/5/2017 I wasn't a perfect husband, but damn I tried my hardest.
Guess my best wasn't good enough.
3/5/2017 Wondering why.
3/5/2017 Damn this is difficult
3/6/2017 I'm sorry I'm so needy. But this was not s
supposed to happen.
3/6/2017 I keep checking my phone for texts and messages from her,
I check Facebook for PMs from her... nothing.
3/6/2017 I look out the window two dozen times a day,
hoping she will come home... nothing.
3/6/2017 I wait for her cutesy comments while I am
watching wrestling... nothing.
3/6/2017 I'm lost.
3/7/2017 Day 6 of the separation- no texts, no calls, nothing.
I look out the window constantly- nothing.
She just disappeared.
3/7/2017 This is just a disastrous mess with no way out. I am very sad.
3/7/2017 *sigh*
3/7/2017 Alone for seven days now. Still haven't heard from her.
Sad and depressed.
Constantly looking outside, hoping a car comes by
with her in it.
3/7/2017 I can't take any steps forward until I know whether
she is coming back or not.
And she isn't telling me.
3/8/2017 Some days I have to find the little things to
keep myself going.
Have an interview tomorrow, not too confident,
but it's something.
3/8/2017 Sorry, but this hurts. Badly.
3/8/2017 Getting ready to just give up.
3/9/2017 I don't give a shit anymore.
3/11/2017 Not every man is an ignorant fool. Just thought
I'd throw that out there.....
3/12/2017 All the positive thoughts in the world ain't bringing
her back. She's gone. #depressed
3/13/2017 Whether you believe in prayer, good thoughts,
or just toking while listening to the Dead,
I will take it. I need it. Desperately.
3/13/2017 I am sinking like a stone. This is not good.
3/13/2017 Yes, I am in touch with counselling services,
and the mental health hotline checks in with me nightly.
3/13/2017 It still sucks to lose everything that ever meant anything
to you. That's where I'm at.
3/13/2017 Sorry to bum you out. Back to funny memes
and reality show talk.
3/14/2017 It's that time of the night- time to weep.
3/14/2017 I have to actually leave the house tomorrow.
I suppose that's a good thing.
3/14/2017 hoping that someday I can stop being sad.
3/14/2017 It is unofficially over.
She has notified human services that she is no
longer living in the household,
she has taken her money...
3/14/2017 She has cut off all communication with me.
I have no way of trying to work this out because
I can't even talk to her....
3/14/2017 My life is crushed. I never thought this would happen.
3/14/2017 I have been sad before, and depressed before,
but this is a whole new level of pain.
3/14/2017 I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
--Evanescence
3/15/2017 Almost invited the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses
over just to have some company.
I really need to get out of the house.
3/15/2017 Got a call from Matt's home, his behaviors are
increasing again
and they want to increase his meds.
I wish I could take care of him here....
3/15/2017 We have reached that time of the night when I get
sad and weep.
Made worse by the fact that my son isn't
doing well and I can't help. :(
3/15/2017 To have someone that you love make the choice to
walk away- that sucks. Badly.
3/15/2017 Damn it!
3/15/2017 I keep looking out the window hoping that she will come back.
Can't decide if that is faith or stupidity.
3/15/2017 I feel freaking hopeless.
3/16/2017 I'm so sad right now. Sorry, but social media is my only
connection to people right now.
I tweet what I am feeling.
3/16/2017 It is very hard to be alone. To have your kids gone and
the love of your life
choosing to be apart from you.
3/16/2017 When my wife was here I could see her silly cat pictures
she would post on Facebook,
and hear about the kids stories she was writing.
3/16/2017 Now... not a damn thing. It is very quiet in this house.
I am living alone in a three-bedroom house.
3/16/2017 The desperation settles in like a thick fog. I hear people
telling me that it gets better.
It is hard to believe.
3/16/2017 I am going to church on Sunday, even though
I have been avoiding it.
I can't pretend to be happy and put on that happy mask.
Not any more.
3/16/2017 OK, Sean, you can quit looking out the window for her.
She ain't coming home.
Is it faith, or stupidity? I'm not sure.
3/16/2017 Jesus, eHarmony, the corpse isn't even cold yet,
quit promoting your services in my timeline
3/17/2017 Something missing from this finger.... Took some effort
to carve it off my finger.
Not sure what to do with it.
3/17/2017 There comes a time every night when the loneliness
and sadness descends like a fog...
this is that time.
3/19/2017 Today is not a good day.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when the loneliness seems like it will never end.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when you wish you knew what happened so you
could fix it and welcome her home.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when the loneliness just gnaws a hole in your soul.
3/19/2017 I don't hate her. I want her to come home.
But the longer she is gone the less likely that seems.
3/19/2017 Keep in mind that in the past year both of my children
and my wife have left my house.
Thrice as hard.
3/21/2017 Today is bittersweet... the 20th anniversary
of my first date with Laura.
Not the way I would like to have commemorated it.
3/21/2017 Drove a total of three hours for a one hour meeting.
3/22/2017 You think you're OK after your ex leaves,
but some days... BAM!
The grief hits you like a ton of bricks.
3/22/2017 Damn it, her parents and some of her friends know
where she is.
Why won't she talk to me? #Sad
3/22/2017 Here tweets a broken, broken man :(
3/23/2017 Got my answer tonight. I don't like it, shed a lot of tears
over it, but at least I know.
3/24/2017 God this hurts today.
3/24/2017 I can't give up. I can't give up. I can't give up.
3/24/2017 I want to give up. But I can't.
3/25/2017 It's a hard thing when someone you've been with
for 20 years leaves.
Your lives are intertwined for that much time, pain is inevitable.
3/25/2017 You have to figure out who you are apart from that person.
3/25/2017 "Our" belongings, resources, etc. suddenly have to be
separated into "his" and "hers".
A division that isn't always easy.
3/25/2017 25 days into this separation. I still cry at least once a day.
Part of that is the not knowing- could she possibly come back?
3/25/2017 And if she comes back, how can things ever be the same?
I don't think they can. I am willing to take responsibility
for my faults, though.
3/25/2017 Damn it.
3/27/2017 Well what do you know? I didn't cry today!
3/27/2017 Well, I didn't have any depressive episodes today.
So that's a plus.
3/27/2017 Some days are good, some days are sad....
3/28/2017 Thinking about crashing weddings so I can be that one guy
who raises his hand
when they ask if anyone has any objections.
3/29/2017 Missing my kids today really bad:(
3/30/2017 There are days when I feel ok, and days when I wonder
if I will ever be ok again.
3/30/2017 I am awake when I should be asleep, looking at pictures,
thinking of happier times.
3/30/2017 Once again I ask, if you believe in prayer, good thoughts
or whatever, I'll take it.
I need some hope.
3/30/2017 Give me hope, give me hope
That emptiness brings fullness
And loss of love brings wholeness to us all
---Indigo Girls
3/31/2017 I am constantly checking my email and Facebook for
messages from my wife.
I either have a lot of faith or I am just really stupid.
3/31/2017 Finally started cleaning up around here, boxing up her things,
throwing away odd scraps of paper with her doodles on it...
3/31/2017 Time to face the facts... she's gone. Been gone for a
month now. Ain't no April Fools joke.
3/31/2017 Sad today
4/1/2017 Having dreams about falling in love. Haven't had those
since before I got married.
I hate them because I wake up and realize the reality.
4/1/2017 Going to listen to John Mayer on the way to church today.
4/2/2017 I have to resist the urge, when people post engagement
photos, to reply in all caps
"DON'T DO IT!!!"
4/2/2017 Massively depressed today.
4/2/2017 It is difficult, when you go on an errand and then come home,
to realize that the house is empty, and will continue to be.
4/2/2017 No more silly dog pictures on her timeline, no more
hearing about her latest ideas
for children's stories, just... no more.
4/2/2017 No hugs when I need them, no long talks into the night,
no person physically there that understands how much
I miss my children.
4/2/2017 People are dealing with more tragic things than I am. I get that.
But the emptiness still remains. One of the difficult
things to understand
4/2/2017 I may say too much on social media, but I don't say everything.
There are other things going on that have me in a funk
and make life hard.
4/2/2017 So if you think I just talk too much about it, well, online is all I have.
I don't have anyone in the area to talk with. You folks are it.
4/2/2017 If you put me on mute, I get it. May not like it, but I get it.
But at least hold some good thoughts out there for me.
4/2/2017 OK, done whining. For now :)
4/2/2017 Why? What did I do? Why won't she have anything
to do with me?
These are the questions that haunt me every day
since she left.
4/2/2017 And there may never be an answer. In the meantime
my heart aches.
An emptiness that may never get better.
4/2/2017 I feel like I am at the end of the end of the rope.
And there is no soft landing place.
4/2/2017 Sorry for flooding your timeline. I keep on typing t
o keep my mind off other things.
4/3/2017 "Gut-wrenching sobs." Found out what that phrase
means last night.
4/4/2017 Somebody hit Matt tonight, so they had to call me about it,
even though it was barely anything. But I still wish
a certain someone was here.
4/4/2017 Some days are good, and then there was yesterday.
Wept so hard I started throwing up.
This is not an easy process by any means.
4/4/2017 Thank you for your patience with me as I work through this.
4/4/2017 Someone recently told me online- "don't worry,
you'll meet another woman".
Way too soon for that kind of talk. The corpse isn't cold yet.
4/4/2017 You can't turn 20 years of emotions on and off like a faucet.
4/5/2017 Keeping weird hours this week, ever since
Monday's emotional meltdown.
Staying up till two, sleeping late and then napping again....
4/5/2017 ... trying to sleep regular hours but just can't.
4/5/2017 I can't stand this shit anymore.
4/5/2017 Over a month now and no word from her.
I'm so tired of being alone …
4/6/2017 Gonna take my pills and go to sleep now.
4/6/2017 OK, I have to clear something up since I got several messages about this.
When I said "take my pills and go to sleep", I meant (cont.)...
4/6/2017 ...prescribed doses of psych meds. If I was going to commit suicide,
the last thing I would do would be to announce it on social media.
4/6/2017 So, with that said, I am going to bed.
4/7/2017 Grief is funny, hits you when you least expect it.
Had a good day today,
until Hawaii Five-O came on, which we always watched together.
4/7/2017 Oh, I miss you Laura.
4/7/2017 I feel very lost today. No kids, no wife, hell, even the
Jehovah's Witnesses
passed my house by today.
4/7/2017 Just don't know what to do to be happy anymore.
4/7/2017 sigh
4/7/2017 life hurts
4/7/2017 life just fucking sucks.
4/7/2017 help
4/9/2017 Decided at the last minute to drive to Canton
to see my daughter.
Then I'm going to Golden Corral to feed my face
just because I want to.
4/9/2017 I've never been thankful for autism.
But I am thankful that I don't have to explain to the kids
why mom and dad aren't together.
4/10/2017 I am torn between wanting to go on for the sake of my kids,
and not wanting to go on because my wife left.
I am very sad today.
4/10/2017 Weeping hard today. Going to see my son tomorrow,
I hope that helps.
4/10/2017 You think you're finally getting past something, a
nd then BAM! It socks you in the face.
4/10/2017 I want her to come back. She's not coming back.
I am so sad. And tired of being sad.
4/10/2017 Just got some cheering up from a friend.
Thank you. ((((hugs))))
4/10/2017 Got four calls today about Matthew head butting others.
Still planning on visiting him tomorrow.
4/11/2017 Screw it, I'm getting drunk tonight.
4/12/2017 *IF* it is going to get better, it has to get better now.
For the sake of my sanity and my survival.
It has to get better. Now.
4/13/2017 At that point in the evening when the house is quiet and empty.
I hate it. #MissMyWife #MissMyChildren
4/13/2017 Saw both of my kids this week. Wish I could do that every week.
4/14/2017 We always watched Hawaii Five-O together.
Now I get to watch it by myself. sigh....
4/14/2017 Trying real hard not to cry. It's a battle I'm losing :'(
4/15/2017 It would make my Easter if I heard from my wife today....
4/16/2017 Tired of crying. Would like to go one day without it.
4/17/2017 I miss my wife so much....
4/17/2017 ... and I am so tired of being sad
4/17/2017 At my weekly therapy appointment this morning
4/17/2017 I just want to go home and go to sleep for days
4/17/2017 Please please please please please come home,
I miss you so much.
4/17/2017 I talk about my current troubles a lot, I know.
I don't really have other outlets to express my feelings
besides therapy appointments.
4/17/2017 My wife was also my first girlfriend. I met her when I was 30.
So obviously I don't have much experience processing breakups.
4/17/2017 I hate this!
4/17/2017 I rely on social media because my best friends are on it.
The human flesh-and-blood friends I have only interact
with me via social media.
4/17/2017 If you look at my tweets and say "oh, WTF, not this again",
yeah, I get that feeling.
Sorry but not sorry.
4/17/2017 Sometimes a series of tweets can at least help me
process some feeling
and get me to the point where I am not as sad.
4/21/2017 Been a decent past three days, no weeping, but I still
wonder what my future holds
for relationships.
4/21/2017 I was with my wife for 20 years, she was my first girlfriend.
Met her when I was 30.
So I don't have a huge track record.
4/21/2017 If I thought meeting someone at 30 was tough, I'm 50 now.
And damaged goods.
How do you fall in love again when you are 50?
4/21/2017 Not that I'm looking to fall in love again. Too soon.
I still want my wife back.
But that's not looking likely.
4/23/2017 Finally climbing out of the hole.
4/23/2017 I am not depressed today. In fact, I haven't been
depressed for several days.
No, today I am mad.
4/23/2017 I am mad that someone thinks so little of a 20-year
relationship with me
that she would just take off from it without talking about it.
4/23/2017 I am mad that I am left in limbo, that she can just
leave when she wants
and come back (or not) when she wants, and not cluing me in.
4/23/2017 I am mad that her friends are treating this like
a high-school game.
"Oh, I've heard from her, but I'm not telling you anything!"
4/23/2017 If I had done to her what she has done to me,
I would be the enemy.
But she leaves, and it is all about her deciding what she wants.
4/23/2017 My 20-year relationship has boiled down to a power play.
Who has the power to impose their will on the other?
I hate that shit.
4/23/2017 I was never the perfect husband. Never claimed to be.
But in order for me to make amends, I have to be able
to contact her, not be cut off.
4/23/2017 And if there are no amends to be made, I deserve to
know that. None of this
"She will tell you when she decides she is ready."
4/23/2017 OK, I am done whining.
5/10/2017 I just realized that I have never broken up with anyone
before. I don't know how to do it.
Better figure it out soon.
5/12/2017 Just woke up after a dream about my wife .  Second night in a row .  Not a good development.
5/13/2017 This whole "starting my life all over again" stuff?
Yeah, I don't like that.
5/13/2017 I really wish I could wish my children's mother a happy
Mother's Day.
But alas, a restraining order makes that impossible.
5/13/2017 if you are in a relationship, and you see some cracks
start to appear, talk it out.
With each other.
5/14/2017 Going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow, therapist on Tuesday.
Man do we have things to talk about.
5/14/2017 Don't really want to be single again,
but the odds of me meeting someone are slim to none
and slim's out of town.
5/14/2017 I don't want to be the one to file for divorce. Shit shit shit.
5/15/2017 Divorce is really freaking complicated.
Especially when your soon to be ex-wife won't communicate.
5/15/2017 I hate being alone in the house. I miss having someone here
5/16/2017 Slowly separating our stuff into "his" and "hers" piles.
Found a tape of songs that we played on our honeymoon.
Damn it all to hell.
5/17/2017 77 days since my world turned upside down. J
ust when you think you have a handle on things- BAM.
Grieving over a relationship sucks.
5/17/2017 Today has sucked royal
5/17/2017 It hurts like hell to lose someone that you have loved
so deeply for so long.
Sorry to keep bringing this up.
5/18/2017 Pray, smoke a bowl, listen to Jefferson Airplane...
whatever you do to give off good vibes to people,
I will take it tonight. Been rough.
5/18/2017 damn this hurts like hell. why tonight?
thought I was making some headway,
but I feel like I've been slugged in the gut with Negan's bat.
5/18/2017 is heartbroken
5/18/2017 Better day today. Sometimes you can handle depression,
sometimes it handles you.
Like the business end of Negan's bat.
5/20/2017 Had another person tell me that it is now time to live for myself.
Still trying to figure out how to do that. Spent 20 years living for her.
5/21/2017
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
---Labrinth, "Jealous"