Saturday, January 06, 2018

It is awfully hard to believe in God when He doesn't believe in you

So it's 2018 now. Good. Ready to leave 2017 in the rear-view mirror.

A lot of people do the resolution thing; I don't always do so, seeing as how you can make a change in your life any time you want. You don't need a calendar flip to make it legit. But we're human beings; sometimes we need some sort of structure. So OK. Time to make a change.

I've been thinking a lot about God, and Jesus Christ, and church, and my place in the whole thing. Quite frankly I'm ready to ditch the whole thing. But I've been doing the belief thing for over 30 years now, ever since I was in high school and went on a retreat that made belief in Jesus Christ something desirable, something worth having. "God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life!" is what the Campus Crusade people told me. Well... ok. Sounds good. Let's see what this wonderful plan is all about.

"God sent his son Jesus Christ to die for you." Well... ok. Sounds good on the surface. But is that the sole extent of his involvement in our lives? Jesus Christ died so we can have eternal life in heaven... but what about the 70-plus years we have left to live on this earth? Can we reasonably expect that he could intervene in our suffering so we don't have to deal with it, so we can be somewhat happy in the time we have left? Or does he die on the cross, rise again and sit at the right hand and that's it?

And what about church? At this point I would rather go to a Grateful Dead concert than church; I mean, Deadheads have a common experience of joy, they share the things they have in common, they are kind to one another, all the things you should be able to expect out of church. But church? You're doomed if you don't listen to the right music, you're really doomed if you don't vote for the right candidate... if you don't live up to the ideals that are set out by the authorities of the church then you are rightly and justly screwed, in the sight of God and man.

My life has fallen into the craphole this past year. What do I have left to believe in? Yet, most of my friends still want me to believe. Whether that is because my rapidly developing unbelief makes them uncomfortable or they honestly have my best interests at heart is anyone's guess. So...

It is 2018. Let's give this church thing one more try. I'm willing to give it another shot. Maybe I'm naïve, maybe I'm stupid, maybe some tiny scrap of hope is fighting for survival... I don't know. But I plan on going to church again. But this is it, God. I'm tired of being your whipping boy.

I welcome your input. Constructive input.

Down in a hole and I don't know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don't understand who they thought
I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won't let himself be
Down in a hole, feelin' so small
Down in a hole, losin' my soul
I'd like to fly, but my wings have been so denied
---Alice In Chains, "Down In A Hole"


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