Friday, September 08, 2017

The Loop

Look out of any window
Any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
Birds are winging or
Rain is falling from a heavy sky,
What do you want me to do,
To do for you to see you through?
For this is all a dream we dreamed
One afternoon long ago...

It was a February day in 2016. I wish it had been a dream. A dream you at least get to wake up from. This? Nada.

My son Matthew was born with severe autism, and my daughter Rebecca as well. Immediately the zealots will take issue with that, suggesting that they weren't born with it but developed it somewhere along the line. Well, I really don't give a rat's ass for zealots of any stripe, so we are just going to go with the birth definition. They both walked on time, but didn't speak, and still haven't. Our lives became one of IEPs and endless meetings to discuss why Matthew played with his poop and why Rebecca dug in her privies and why Matthew caused one teacher to sprain her arm and why Rebecca screamed and screamed. We had no answer. We sure wish we had one, or two, or a dozen; sure would have helped deal with the fact that as time went on Matthew hurt us and Rebecca was afraid of him and Matthew destroyed our house and Rebecca had to sleep in a room with drywall and insulation hanging from every corner.

Well God bless the zealots who took it upon their zealoty selves to decide that we were crappy parents who couldn't keep our kids out of danger. Yeah, I'm still bitter. How'd ya guess? We developed an intimate relationship with Children's Protective Services, and not in the fun way, either. Frequent visits and even more endless meetings ensued and eventually it was decided that both Matthew and Rebecca had to be removed from our home.

Walk out of any doorway
Feel your way, feel your way
Like the day before
Maybe you'll find direction
Around some corner
Where it's been waiting to meet you,
What do you want me to do,
To watch for you while you're sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
When you find me dreaming too...

It was on a February morning when our lives changed forever. Electric word life, it means forever and that's a mighty long time, but I'm here to tell you, there's nothing else. When you spend 15 years expending all the energy you have and then some to keep some semblance of sanity in your life, and then all of a sudden you move from 60 to 0, stopping on a dime... it changes a man. And a woman. More on that later.

"But you have your life back now! You can recover, you can heal, you can live again instead of being held hostage to autism!" (The autism zealots are in the starting gate, ready to tell me what is wrong with that statement; I would suggest to them that they just listen instead of lecturing. Give it a thought at least.)

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

You, who choose to lead, must follow
But if you fall you fall alone.
If you should stand then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home....

On March 2nd my wife decided that she had had enough, screw this, she was out of here. For an explanation you would have to ask her. I'm not going to answer for her. The pressure was huge on both of us for years, and we had no time to make sure that our relationship was healthy. It obviously was not, otherwise we would still have one.

So the pain continues. It has never left. If anything it has multiplied. I titled this little essay "The Loop" for the simple reason that some people need to be brought into the know, to possibly understand why Sean is so moody, why Sean cries at the drop of a hat, why Sean alternately needs to be around people but at the same time just can't watch happy families when his own has disintegrated. My heart is full of pain because it is empty of everything I ever held dear. All that I ever wanted was to raise a family, get married and have children. That's all. Well....

(This is where I really want to let the expletives fly. But there might be some Baptists reading this, so for their sake I will dispense with the hardcore swear words. Maybe use some Christian cusses. Dagnabit.)

Since someone is going to ask, either to me directly or to themselves as they read these words and walk on by, yes, I do see a therapist. I am on medication. I am starting with a divorce support group in a few days. I am doing what I can.

To quote Gerald Ford, the state of the union is not good. People suggest that I must have some endless well of inner strength. Well... I don't. I am not strong. I am not strong.

Not sure why I wrote all of this other than maybe someone just needed it brought to the forefront. Just a box of rain, wind and water; believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on.

Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do
To do for you, to see you through?
A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through

(Song lyrics from the songs "Box of Rain" and "Ripple", both by the Grateful Dead.)


Post a Comment

<< Home