What I Am Is What I Am

When last we spoke it was August 18, 2019 and I had just moved into an efficiency apartment after being homeless for six months. I had some of my possessions in a storage locker; others had been given away by the homeless shelter after I went into the hospital for the second time. I finally had a place of my own. Really my own. My kids had been taken away by CPS in 2016, and my wife abandoned me in 2017, but my present reality was that homelessness was over. Time to regroup.

Except for one unfinished event. My wife still had not filed for divorce. I waited for her to file because one, I had no money; and two, she was the one who left me- why should I be the one to pay for a divorce. So I waited. And waited. 

In the meantime I found myself living across the street from a Catholic Church, so I decided to start attending. It was an average parish, Mass lasting around 45 minutes, homilies kind of blah; but I was on my own and needed something, anything to keep myself occupied. I wasn't suicidal anymore but living with my own thoughts wasn't always productive. I missed my kids. And even though she had treated me wrongly, I missed my wife. Months had become years, but as long as she hadn't filed for divorce, there was still that 1% chance that she would come back.

In January of 2020 she filed for divorce. 

The hearing was scheduled for March of 2020. Also scheduled for March of 2020 was the beginning of the Coronavirus pandemic, which upended life as we knew it. Stores were closed, restaurants were closed, churches were closed, and Domestic Relations Courthouses were closed. The hearing would be held over the phone. Finally this would reach a conclusion. I nervously called the courthouse. 

She didn't show. Hearing delayed until May 21. I holed up in my apartment, all dressed up with literally no place to go, and waited it out. Days dragged by slowly...

But finally May 21 came. The hearing would be held via videoconference, which malfunctioned on my end so I never got to see her, just the judge. He asked me questions, he asked her questions, and then made his decision. Due to the fact that we had lived apart for three years, "Wife is granted a divorce from Husband." 

It was over. Here lies Sean's marriage, August 8, 1998-May 21, 2020.

There was no chance of reconciliation, no changing of minds... I wasn't married anymore. My very first girlfriend, whom I met when I was 30 years old, decided that she no longer wanted to be with me. This was devastating for me. I had waited so long for a woman to actually want to be with me, and now I had to start over again in an area in which I had never had any luck in. Who wants to be with a 53-year-old divorced man with two adult children? Is this what breakups are like? I had never been through one before. I guess I was due. Huh.

The first person I contacted wasn't my parents, wasn't my therapist, wasn't the Emergency Services hotline operator. The first person I contacted was a 27-year-old man who pastored a local Baptist church. The first thing he said wasn't a verse from the Bible, it wasn't a sermon... he said he was sorry. I wanted to hear someone say that. After texting a bit he suggested that if I wanted to get out and meet some people and socialize, his church was still open. I said that he might not want a guy like me, but if he wanted a newly divorced, rock-and-roll listening, Catholic Mass-attending infidel like me, then I would be glad to attend. He was the first one to reach out to me. After him I called my parents. My mom told me how sorry she was. When I hung up from that conversation it was time to cry.

Oh, I wept all right, and I was close to falling back into some severe depression, but I decided that no, I was not going there. I knew that I needed to make some decisions to keep myself from falling into a hole. So me and God had a little conversation. Prayer wasn't something I did often, and it is still something I have a hard time with. But I told God that starting that day I was going to give the Bible, the Word of God, first place in my life. And even though I didn't feel like I would be a really great Baptist, I decided to attend Brady's church, just because he asked.

Day after day, the Bible became my food and drink, my source of life. I began to read it... and read it some more... and read it some more. I read the whole thing in 49 days. I listened to sermons online and loaded my IPad with commentaries. 

And I attended church. Brady's church became another source of life. It was reasonably small, maybe 75 people, but I enjoyed it.

Let's make something clear. It's hard. It's hard to see married people who are successful at the one thing I had wanted in my life but now would likely never get to enjoy again. It's hard to see people with their kids.It still depresses me to see pictures of newborns and the happiness that people enjoy. But I know that I have to make an effort to stay out of the hole. And the Bible is that way out. I hope that my life will include a new relationship with someone. But if it doesn't? I am on the right path. "The words that I speak to you are spirit and they are life."- John 6:63. Jesus said that.

So where do things stand now? This blog was started with the story of my spiritual journey and branched off into discussions of autism and its effect on my family. I don't really have a log in that fire anymore now that my kids live elsewhere. But the journey goes on. I thought about starting a new blog to reflect my new reality, but I think I am going to stay right here. There are things I would say differently, words I wouldn't use (especially now that a Baptist pastor might be reading), some causes I wouldn't take up. But as the song goes, what I am is what I am.

"If anyone is in Christ they are a new creation; old things are passed away, behold, all has become new."- 2 Corinthians 5:17