Friday, July 21, 2017


One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know...

I'm not a coward. Just because the most important people in my life being ripped away from me makes it difficult for me to survive in this existence doesn't mean I am a coward. It means that I can't shower the people I love with my whole heart with the love they deserve. I try. I'm not succeeding.

It was 529 days ago when my son was taken to live in another home, and 527 days for my daughter. Many nights of weeping, of wondering how to go on, of how someone else can take care of the children who call me daddy and rely on me for hugs and cookies and rides to the store. At that time I thought that it would be the most difficult thing I would ever have to endure.

Boy was I mistaken.

Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal...

It's been 142 days. 142 days since my love left my life. 142 days since I've been able to say "Sean and..." and include a woman's name on the other side. 142 days since the last kiss, the last embrace, the last look into the eyes of the one I vowed to love, honor and cherish until death do us part.

Life is empty now.

It has been probably 141 days since the first person told me that I needed to live for myself now, since the first person suggested that I would meet someone else someday, since the first person took sides. It seems easy for those on the outside looking in to tell me what I ought to do. I would certainly like to see said people try it themselves.

Not so easy when you have to actually do it.

Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on did-didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard...

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I've got nothing to lose by being open, by being honest, I mean, as Bob Dylan sang, when you ain't got nothing you got nothing to lose.

People who struggle with suicide are not cowards. They are people with weaknesses, as many of us have weaknesses we all struggle with, and sometimes you just don't have the strength people think you do, you know? Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Robin Williams... the unknown man or woman in the obituaries whose death was "sudden" but unlisted... your cousin, friend's child or former boyfriend or girlfriend... the famous, infamous and unknown.

You just don't know what people are dealing with. Don't suggest that suicide victims are "taking the easy way out" when just the act of living day by day may be the hardest thing they ever have to do. YOU DON'T KNOW.

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how I tried so hard...

I have struggled, I have wept, and yes, I have wondered whether the options for living might possibly include not. I attend counseling sessions, I attend group therapy sessions, I have been hospitalized for days at a time. And yet, when the efforts to be social and seek the help I obviously need are over for the day, I have to come back to a house that is empty yet filled with memories, and a heart that is filled with love that no one longs to receive anymore. And I wonder. Yes, I wonder. Would I miss the Grateful Dead, if... ? Would I miss the church services, if... ? Would those I am surrounded by miss me, if... ? And then the night comes, and I attempt to sleep, and eventually I awake the next day, and the cycle continues. I fight so hard to make it day by day. Yeah, I'm needy. Yeah, I rely on people way too much.

NO, I am not a coward. I am fighting and struggling every day of my life to make it to the next day.

I'm trying not to fail.

It isn't easy.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter...

(song lyrics from "In The End" by Linkin Park)