Thursday, September 28, 2017

That's why we pray... or is it?


On a mission start to doubt here we go
Kicking back, read these words we need to know
Living high, living good, living long
Take a minute, bust a prayer
And you're good to go

That's why we pray
ah, yeah, pray
We need to pray
Just to make it today
---MC Hammer, "Pray"

(Jesus Walks)
God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now
(Jesus Walks)
And I don't think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs
(Jesus Walks with me)
I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long
---Kanye West, "Jesus Walks"

hey, jesus, it's me
i'm the one who talked to you yesterday
and i asked you please, please for a favor
but my baby's gone away, went away anyway
and i don't really think it's fair
you've got the power to make us all believe in you
and then we call you in our despair
and you don't come through...

i'm not gonna call on you any more
i'm sure you've got a million things to do
all i was trying to do was to get through to you
because when i die and i get up to your doors
i don't even know if you're gonna let me in the place
how come i gotta die to get a chance to talk to you face to face?
---Indigo Girls, "Hey Jesus"

It happens every time there is a tragedy. Earthquakes. Hurricanes. Shootings. 9/11. The response is the same, regardless of place in society- "Our prayers are with the people of Puerto Rico." "We pray for the people of Houston." #PrayForFlorida. A child dies in a small town, the news appears on a website, and the comments are all very similar- "I'm so sorry! I'm praying for you."

I don't. I know, I know, I'm a Christian, I shouldn't be a heartless bastard. Prayer should be the first thing I should offer.

But I just can't.

Why do we pray? In times of tragedy everyone says that they'll pray for you, but what's the point? Is God listening? If God is listening, why doesn't he answer? I've had people say to me that "sometimes God answers yes, and sometimes no, and sometimes wait", and my response to that is that it's a load of crap. If God (supposedly) answers no or wait, then he didn't answer. Ignore my son's autism for a moment. Let's say that I ask him to take the garbage out on Wednesday night, because the trash collector comes Thursday morning. He takes it out Thursday night. Did he answer my request? No, he did not. It doesn't matter that he did the job, the job needed to be done at a certain time and he didn't do it. Same with praying to God. If someone is down on their luck and prays to God for a job, a request born not out of selfishness but out of necessity, and they do what needs to be done to seek a job, and said job doesn't come, then God didn't answer that prayer. Or at best you can say that the evidence is inconclusive.

How about prayers for healing? Why do we have to pray over and over again for someone to be healed of cancer, for instance? What's the point? Doesn't God hear you the first time? And suppose you pray and pray, and the person dies anyway? Your prayers are wasted. Already I can hear people saying "but the person did get healed…they aren't in pain anymore…they received the ultimate healing…" blah blah blah. My answer is no, they did not get healed and God did not answer the prayer. To answer any other way is to dance around the issue. You're playing semantics. God then becomes a divine Bill Clinton who dances around the obvious meaning of a word. (See the word "is".) If I pray for someone to be healed, my intention is obvious. I want them healed in this life. Any other twist on the statement is just making excuses for God.

I have made numerous trips to Rainbow Babies and Children's Hospital with my son. While there I've seen small children in wheelchairs who seem to be in a catatonic state, the same expression seemingly frozen on their faces for all eternity. They don't care about LeBron James… or maybe they do; Donald Trump is the last thing on their mind… or maybe not; we don't know. They don't communicate other than to stare. For some people their first response would be to offer their prayers. My first thought?

WTF?

How am I supposed to pray here? First off, I shouldn't even have to pray for healing. If God can't see that this kid needs healing… it's obvious to anyone with eyes and half a brain. Do I pray for the parents to have peace of mind? Do I pray for the doctors to have wisdom? I mean, come on!

And yet throughout the Bible we are exhorted to pray. Jesus says "WHEN you pray," not IF, and then gives instructions. The disciples ask Jesus to teach them to pray. Paul says "Pray without ceasing." So my struggle is this- I know that I need to pray, yet I have issues with praying for things, because there doesn't seem to be much of a point. You pray for healings, but for as many people that do get healed, more people suffer and die. Or they get healed in a year, although in the natural process of things they would have been healed anyway. You pray for people that genuinely need certain things, and they don't get them. I just don't get it.

Do I need to change my definition of what prayer is? We come to God with our shopping lists and then don't come back unless we have another list. I realized that if my children only came to me when they wanted something, and no other time, my experience as a parent would be cut short. There are times when my daughter would crawl up on my lap, curl up against me and watch the game with me. It doesn't matter what game, she has no sense of what constitutes "the big game" as opposed to one between two 1-10 teams; spending time with me is the experience she seeks. And it is that experience that defines the joy of being a parent for me. So should we always present God with our wants? Shouldn't we just crawl up into his lap sometimes and express our love?

A few years ago I went to a Catholic charismatic conference and heard a speaker named Ralph Martin
. He has been a leader in Catholic renewal since the charismatic movement started in 1967, yet in the last several years he has concentrated on the spirituality of the saints. The talk I heard was on the stages of union with God according to the writings of St. Theresa of Avila, and it was fantastic. It opened my mind to the possibility that I've had it all wrong; that the goal of prayer is union with God, and the presenting of our petitions is peripheral to this central purpose.

Within the same time frame I was introduced to the teachings of Mike Bickle
. Mike has made the focus of his ministry exhorting Christians to seek the face of the Lord and pray what David prayed in Psalm 27:4- "...one thing I ask, this one thing I seek, that I may behold the beauty of the Lord…." He views the Song of Solomon in an allegorical format popular with the early Church fathers, teaching that the bridegroom represents Jesus and the bride represents the church, and Jesus longs to draw us to himself in a relationship of love. Prayer in this paradigm is not simply airing our requests and grievances, although intercession is certainly a part, but sitting at the feet of Jesus as Mary did while Martha busied herself with the tasks of everyday life.

And then there is Witness Lee
. Witness Lee uses the phrase "the economy of God" to stress that God's central plan is to dispense himself into his chosen people, the church. Our goal above all other things is to dwell in our spirit where Christ has made his home, and from that ground all other things have their growth.

So to answer the question "has Sean given up prayer?", the answer is "you know? I just don’t know." I pray that I would experience and enjoy the love of God in the same way that my son and daughter enjoy my love. I pray that the stages of illumination, purgation and union would be a reality in my own spiritual life and not just a theory to be studied in a textbook. But I haven't gotten through my difficulties with intercession. I may never. I can’t find people who are willing to take on the task of trying to explain it to me, and stick with it when I ask questions counter to their theology. I try to believe that my requests are heard. When life went south on me over the past year, the first thing I did was ask everyone I knew who might possibly pray for me to do so. But at this point.. I just can't. Maybe if I could get one prayer answered, God? Of course, if I understood all things, faith wouldn't be necessary. I guess. What do I know?

Just a few thoughts, your mileage may vary.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Broken

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Oh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all...


Always knew there was a reason I listened to 80's music, huh? Sometimes the song lyrics say everything I wish I could. Some sing to remember, some sing to forget.

Sad songs, they say so much.

To be continued.

Friday, September 08, 2017

The Loop

Look out of any window
Any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining
Birds are winging or
Rain is falling from a heavy sky,
What do you want me to do,
To do for you to see you through?
For this is all a dream we dreamed
One afternoon long ago...


It was a February day in 2016. I wish it had been a dream. A dream you at least get to wake up from. This? Nada.

My son Matthew was born with severe autism, and my daughter Rebecca as well. Immediately the zealots will take issue with that, suggesting that they weren't born with it but developed it somewhere along the line. Well, I really don't give a rat's ass for zealots of any stripe, so we are just going to go with the birth definition. They both walked on time, but didn't speak, and still haven't. Our lives became one of IEPs and endless meetings to discuss why Matthew played with his poop and why Rebecca dug in her privies and why Matthew caused one teacher to sprain her arm and why Rebecca screamed and screamed. We had no answer. We sure wish we had one, or two, or a dozen; sure would have helped deal with the fact that as time went on Matthew hurt us and Rebecca was afraid of him and Matthew destroyed our house and Rebecca had to sleep in a room with drywall and insulation hanging from every corner.

Well God bless the zealots who took it upon their zealoty selves to decide that we were crappy parents who couldn't keep our kids out of danger. Yeah, I'm still bitter. How'd ya guess? We developed an intimate relationship with Children's Protective Services, and not in the fun way, either. Frequent visits and even more endless meetings ensued and eventually it was decided that both Matthew and Rebecca had to be removed from our home.

Walk out of any doorway
Feel your way, feel your way
Like the day before
Maybe you'll find direction
Around some corner
Where it's been waiting to meet you,
What do you want me to do,
To watch for you while you're sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
When you find me dreaming too...


It was on a February morning when our lives changed forever. Electric word life, it means forever and that's a mighty long time, but I'm here to tell you, there's nothing else. When you spend 15 years expending all the energy you have and then some to keep some semblance of sanity in your life, and then all of a sudden you move from 60 to 0, stopping on a dime... it changes a man. And a woman. More on that later.

"But you have your life back now! You can recover, you can heal, you can live again instead of being held hostage to autism!" (The autism zealots are in the starting gate, ready to tell me what is wrong with that statement; I would suggest to them that they just listen instead of lecturing. Give it a thought at least.)

There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.

You, who choose to lead, must follow
But if you fall you fall alone.
If you should stand then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home....


On March 2nd my wife decided that she had had enough, screw this, she was out of here. For an explanation you would have to ask her. I'm not going to answer for her. The pressure was huge on both of us for years, and we had no time to make sure that our relationship was healthy. It obviously was not, otherwise we would still have one.

So the pain continues. It has never left. If anything it has multiplied. I titled this little essay "The Loop" for the simple reason that some people need to be brought into the know, to possibly understand why Sean is so moody, why Sean cries at the drop of a hat, why Sean alternately needs to be around people but at the same time just can't watch happy families when his own has disintegrated. My heart is full of pain because it is empty of everything I ever held dear. All that I ever wanted was to raise a family, get married and have children. That's all. Well....

(This is where I really want to let the expletives fly. But there might be some Baptists reading this, so for their sake I will dispense with the hardcore swear words. Maybe use some Christian cusses. Dagnabit.)

Since someone is going to ask, either to me directly or to themselves as they read these words and walk on by, yes, I do see a therapist. I am on medication. I am starting with a divorce support group in a few days. I am doing what I can.

To quote Gerald Ford, the state of the union is not good. People suggest that I must have some endless well of inner strength. Well... I don't. I am not strong. I am not strong.

Not sure why I wrote all of this other than maybe someone just needed it brought to the forefront. Just a box of rain, wind and water; believe it if you need it, if you don't just pass it on.

Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do
To do for you, to see you through?
A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through


(Song lyrics from the songs "Box of Rain" and "Ripple", both by the Grateful Dead.)





Friday, July 21, 2017

Coward

One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know...


I'm not a coward. Just because the most important people in my life being ripped away from me makes it difficult for me to survive in this existence doesn't mean I am a coward. It means that I can't shower the people I love with my whole heart with the love they deserve. I try. I'm not succeeding.

It was 529 days ago when my son was taken to live in another home, and 527 days for my daughter. Many nights of weeping, of wondering how to go on, of how someone else can take care of the children who call me daddy and rely on me for hugs and cookies and rides to the store. At that time I thought that it would be the most difficult thing I would ever have to endure.

Boy was I mistaken.

Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal...


It's been 142 days. 142 days since my love left my life. 142 days since I've been able to say "Sean and..." and include a woman's name on the other side. 142 days since the last kiss, the last embrace, the last look into the eyes of the one I vowed to love, honor and cherish until death do us part.

Life is empty now.

It has been probably 141 days since the first person told me that I needed to live for myself now, since the first person suggested that I would meet someone else someday, since the first person took sides. It seems easy for those on the outside looking in to tell me what I ought to do. I would certainly like to see said people try it themselves.

Not so easy when you have to actually do it.

Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on did-didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard...


I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I've got nothing to lose by being open, by being honest, I mean, as Bob Dylan sang, when you ain't got nothing you got nothing to lose.

People who struggle with suicide are not cowards. They are people with weaknesses, as many of us have weaknesses we all struggle with, and sometimes you just don't have the strength people think you do, you know? Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Robin Williams... the unknown man or woman in the obituaries whose death was "sudden" but unlisted... your cousin, friend's child or former boyfriend or girlfriend... the famous, infamous and unknown.

You just don't know what people are dealing with. Don't suggest that suicide victims are "taking the easy way out" when just the act of living day by day may be the hardest thing they ever have to do. YOU DON'T KNOW.

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how I tried so hard...


I have struggled, I have wept, and yes, I have wondered whether the options for living might possibly include not. I attend counseling sessions, I attend group therapy sessions, I have been hospitalized for days at a time. And yet, when the efforts to be social and seek the help I obviously need are over for the day, I have to come back to a house that is empty yet filled with memories, and a heart that is filled with love that no one longs to receive anymore. And I wonder. Yes, I wonder. Would I miss the Grateful Dead, if... ? Would I miss the church services, if... ? Would those I am surrounded by miss me, if... ? And then the night comes, and I attempt to sleep, and eventually I awake the next day, and the cycle continues. I fight so hard to make it day by day. Yeah, I'm needy. Yeah, I rely on people way too much.

NO, I am not a coward. I am fighting and struggling every day of my life to make it to the next day.

I'm trying not to fail.

It isn't easy.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter...


(song lyrics from "In The End" by Linkin Park)



Sunday, May 21, 2017

Live-tweeting from the end of the world

3/2/2017 It is official now- my wife has left me.
3/2/2017 Today is one of the top five worst days of my life.
3/2/2017 House is very, very empty this morning.
3/2/2017 She came back to get her things, accompanied by the police.
She really isn't coming back. My life is about to change again
dramatically.
3/2/2017 Wow. I am really all alone now. I don't know what to do.
3/2/2017 She won't even talk to me. Just... gone.
And with that I am scrambling to grab ahold of something
to keep me going.
3/2/2017 I am rambling too much. Sorry.
3/2/2017 This was unexpected,
What do I do now?
Could we start again please?
---Jesus Christ Superstar
3/3/2017 Holding on....
3/3/2017 Morning, everybody.
3/3/2017 Today might be a good day to take up alcoholism.
I've heard that hard lemonade and hard cherry cola
are pretty good.
3/3/2017 Sadness is creeping up on me. I have got to find
something to do.
3/3/2017 20 years this month... our first date was 20 years ago
this month. Married for 18 years.
3/3/2017 Really should get out and do something today,
but damned if I even want to leave the house.
3/3/2017 I wonder how much soda I would have to order
to get the pizza place to deliver it.
3/3/2017 Emptiness. A new feeling which I don't like.
3/3/2017 Shit this day has been bad....
3/4/2017 My thanks to the Baptists that told my wife she had
"biblical grounds" to leave me;
you never talked to me about it, but you know, whatever
3/4/2017 Good night, all
3/4/2017 Sad today.
3/5/2017 Watching wrestling and Walking Dead tonight.
I am used to my wife sitting at the table, not watching,
doing her coloring and puzzles.
3/5/2017 It is so quiet in this house now.
3/5/2017 I wasn't a perfect husband, but damn I tried my hardest.
Guess my best wasn't good enough.
3/5/2017 Wondering why.
3/5/2017 Damn this is difficult
3/6/2017 I'm sorry I'm so needy. But this was not s
supposed to happen.
3/6/2017 I keep checking my phone for texts and messages from her,
I check Facebook for PMs from her... nothing.
3/6/2017 I look out the window two dozen times a day,
hoping she will come home... nothing.
3/6/2017 I wait for her cutesy comments while I am
watching wrestling... nothing.
3/6/2017 I'm lost.
3/7/2017 Day 6 of the separation- no texts, no calls, nothing.
I look out the window constantly- nothing.
She just disappeared.
3/7/2017 This is just a disastrous mess with no way out. I am very sad.
3/7/2017 *sigh*
3/7/2017 Alone for seven days now. Still haven't heard from her.
Sad and depressed.
Constantly looking outside, hoping a car comes by
with her in it.
3/7/2017 I can't take any steps forward until I know whether
she is coming back or not.
And she isn't telling me.
3/8/2017 Some days I have to find the little things to
keep myself going.
Have an interview tomorrow, not too confident,
but it's something.
3/8/2017 Sorry, but this hurts. Badly.
3/8/2017 Getting ready to just give up.
3/9/2017 I don't give a shit anymore.
3/11/2017 Not every man is an ignorant fool. Just thought
I'd throw that out there.....
3/12/2017 All the positive thoughts in the world ain't bringing
her back. She's gone. #depressed
3/13/2017 Whether you believe in prayer, good thoughts,
or just toking while listening to the Dead,
I will take it. I need it. Desperately.
3/13/2017 I am sinking like a stone. This is not good.
3/13/2017 Yes, I am in touch with counselling services,
and the mental health hotline checks in with me nightly.
3/13/2017 It still sucks to lose everything that ever meant anything
to you. That's where I'm at.
3/13/2017 Sorry to bum you out. Back to funny memes
and reality show talk.
3/14/2017 It's that time of the night- time to weep.
3/14/2017 I have to actually leave the house tomorrow.
I suppose that's a good thing.
3/14/2017 hoping that someday I can stop being sad.
3/14/2017 It is unofficially over.
She has notified human services that she is no
longer living in the household,
she has taken her money...
3/14/2017 She has cut off all communication with me.
I have no way of trying to work this out because
I can't even talk to her....
3/14/2017 My life is crushed. I never thought this would happen.
3/14/2017 I have been sad before, and depressed before,
but this is a whole new level of pain.
3/14/2017 I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
--Evanescence
3/15/2017 Almost invited the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses
over just to have some company.
I really need to get out of the house.
3/15/2017 Got a call from Matt's home, his behaviors are
increasing again
and they want to increase his meds.
I wish I could take care of him here....
3/15/2017 We have reached that time of the night when I get
sad and weep.
Made worse by the fact that my son isn't
doing well and I can't help. :(
3/15/2017 To have someone that you love make the choice to
walk away- that sucks. Badly.
3/15/2017 Damn it!
3/15/2017 I keep looking out the window hoping that she will come back.
Can't decide if that is faith or stupidity.
3/15/2017 I feel freaking hopeless.
3/16/2017 I'm so sad right now. Sorry, but social media is my only
connection to people right now.
I tweet what I am feeling.
3/16/2017 It is very hard to be alone. To have your kids gone and
the love of your life
choosing to be apart from you.
3/16/2017 When my wife was here I could see her silly cat pictures
she would post on Facebook,
and hear about the kids stories she was writing.
3/16/2017 Now... not a damn thing. It is very quiet in this house.
I am living alone in a three-bedroom house.
3/16/2017 The desperation settles in like a thick fog. I hear people
telling me that it gets better.
It is hard to believe.
3/16/2017 I am going to church on Sunday, even though
I have been avoiding it.
I can't pretend to be happy and put on that happy mask.
Not any more.
3/16/2017 OK, Sean, you can quit looking out the window for her.
She ain't coming home.
Is it faith, or stupidity? I'm not sure.
3/16/2017 Jesus, eHarmony, the corpse isn't even cold yet,
quit promoting your services in my timeline
3/17/2017 Something missing from this finger.... Took some effort
to carve it off my finger.
Not sure what to do with it.
3/17/2017 There comes a time every night when the loneliness
and sadness descends like a fog...
this is that time.
3/19/2017 Today is not a good day.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when the loneliness seems like it will never end.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when you wish you knew what happened so you
could fix it and welcome her home.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when the loneliness just gnaws a hole in your soul.
3/19/2017 I don't hate her. I want her to come home.
But the longer she is gone the less likely that seems.
3/19/2017 Keep in mind that in the past year both of my children
and my wife have left my house.
Thrice as hard.
3/21/2017 Today is bittersweet... the 20th anniversary
of my first date with Laura.
Not the way I would like to have commemorated it.
3/21/2017 Drove a total of three hours for a one hour meeting.
3/22/2017 You think you're OK after your ex leaves,
but some days... BAM!
The grief hits you like a ton of bricks.
3/22/2017 Damn it, her parents and some of her friends know
where she is.
Why won't she talk to me? #Sad
3/22/2017 Here tweets a broken, broken man :(
3/23/2017 Got my answer tonight. I don't like it, shed a lot of tears
over it, but at least I know.
3/24/2017 God this hurts today.
3/24/2017 I can't give up. I can't give up. I can't give up.
3/24/2017 I want to give up. But I can't.
3/25/2017 It's a hard thing when someone you've been with
for 20 years leaves.
Your lives are intertwined for that much time, pain is inevitable.
3/25/2017 You have to figure out who you are apart from that person.
3/25/2017 "Our" belongings, resources, etc. suddenly have to be
separated into "his" and "hers".
A division that isn't always easy.
3/25/2017 25 days into this separation. I still cry at least once a day.
Part of that is the not knowing- could she possibly come back?
3/25/2017 And if she comes back, how can things ever be the same?
I don't think they can. I am willing to take responsibility
for my faults, though.
3/25/2017 Damn it.
3/27/2017 Well what do you know? I didn't cry today!
3/27/2017 Well, I didn't have any depressive episodes today.
So that's a plus.
3/27/2017 Some days are good, some days are sad....
3/28/2017 Thinking about crashing weddings so I can be that one guy
who raises his hand
when they ask if anyone has any objections.
3/29/2017 Missing my kids today really bad:(
3/30/2017 There are days when I feel ok, and days when I wonder
if I will ever be ok again.
3/30/2017 I am awake when I should be asleep, looking at pictures,
thinking of happier times.
3/30/2017 Once again I ask, if you believe in prayer, good thoughts
or whatever, I'll take it.
I need some hope.
3/30/2017 Give me hope, give me hope
That emptiness brings fullness
And loss of love brings wholeness to us all
---Indigo Girls
3/31/2017 I am constantly checking my email and Facebook for
messages from my wife.
I either have a lot of faith or I am just really stupid.
3/31/2017 Finally started cleaning up around here, boxing up her things,
throwing away odd scraps of paper with her doodles on it...
3/31/2017 Time to face the facts... she's gone. Been gone for a
month now. Ain't no April Fools joke.
3/31/2017 Sad today
4/1/2017 Having dreams about falling in love. Haven't had those
since before I got married.
I hate them because I wake up and realize the reality.
4/1/2017 Going to listen to John Mayer on the way to church today.
4/2/2017 I have to resist the urge, when people post engagement
photos, to reply in all caps
"DON'T DO IT!!!"
4/2/2017 Massively depressed today.
4/2/2017 It is difficult, when you go on an errand and then come home,
to realize that the house is empty, and will continue to be.
4/2/2017 No more silly dog pictures on her timeline, no more
hearing about her latest ideas
for children's stories, just... no more.
4/2/2017 No hugs when I need them, no long talks into the night,
no person physically there that understands how much
I miss my children.
4/2/2017 People are dealing with more tragic things than I am. I get that.
But the emptiness still remains. One of the difficult
things to understand
4/2/2017 I may say too much on social media, but I don't say everything.
There are other things going on that have me in a funk
and make life hard.
4/2/2017 So if you think I just talk too much about it, well, online is all I have.
I don't have anyone in the area to talk with. You folks are it.
4/2/2017 If you put me on mute, I get it. May not like it, but I get it.
But at least hold some good thoughts out there for me.
4/2/2017 OK, done whining. For now :)
4/2/2017 Why? What did I do? Why won't she have anything
to do with me?
These are the questions that haunt me every day
since she left.
4/2/2017 And there may never be an answer. In the meantime
my heart aches.
An emptiness that may never get better.
4/2/2017 I feel like I am at the end of the end of the rope.
And there is no soft landing place.
4/2/2017 Sorry for flooding your timeline. I keep on typing t
o keep my mind off other things.
4/3/2017 "Gut-wrenching sobs." Found out what that phrase
means last night.
4/4/2017 Somebody hit Matt tonight, so they had to call me about it,
even though it was barely anything. But I still wish
a certain someone was here.
4/4/2017 Some days are good, and then there was yesterday.
Wept so hard I started throwing up.
This is not an easy process by any means.
4/4/2017 Thank you for your patience with me as I work through this.
4/4/2017 Someone recently told me online- "don't worry,
you'll meet another woman".
Way too soon for that kind of talk. The corpse isn't cold yet.
4/4/2017 You can't turn 20 years of emotions on and off like a faucet.
4/5/2017 Keeping weird hours this week, ever since
Monday's emotional meltdown.
Staying up till two, sleeping late and then napping again....
4/5/2017 ... trying to sleep regular hours but just can't.
4/5/2017 I can't stand this shit anymore.
4/5/2017 Over a month now and no word from her.
I'm so tired of being alone …
4/6/2017 Gonna take my pills and go to sleep now.
4/6/2017 OK, I have to clear something up since I got several messages about this.
When I said "take my pills and go to sleep", I meant (cont.)...
4/6/2017 ...prescribed doses of psych meds. If I was going to commit suicide,
the last thing I would do would be to announce it on social media.
4/6/2017 So, with that said, I am going to bed.
4/7/2017 Grief is funny, hits you when you least expect it.
Had a good day today,
until Hawaii Five-O came on, which we always watched together.
4/7/2017 Oh, I miss you Laura.
4/7/2017 I feel very lost today. No kids, no wife, hell, even the
Jehovah's Witnesses
passed my house by today.
4/7/2017 Just don't know what to do to be happy anymore.
4/7/2017 sigh
4/7/2017 life hurts
4/7/2017 life just fucking sucks.
4/7/2017 help
4/9/2017 Decided at the last minute to drive to Canton
to see my daughter.
Then I'm going to Golden Corral to feed my face
just because I want to.
4/9/2017 I've never been thankful for autism.
But I am thankful that I don't have to explain to the kids
why mom and dad aren't together.
4/10/2017 I am torn between wanting to go on for the sake of my kids,
and not wanting to go on because my wife left.
I am very sad today.
4/10/2017 Weeping hard today. Going to see my son tomorrow,
I hope that helps.
4/10/2017 You think you're finally getting past something, a
nd then BAM! It socks you in the face.
4/10/2017 I want her to come back. She's not coming back.
I am so sad. And tired of being sad.
4/10/2017 Just got some cheering up from a friend.
Thank you. ((((hugs))))
4/10/2017 Got four calls today about Matthew head butting others.
Still planning on visiting him tomorrow.
4/11/2017 Screw it, I'm getting drunk tonight.
4/12/2017 *IF* it is going to get better, it has to get better now.
For the sake of my sanity and my survival.
It has to get better. Now.
4/13/2017 At that point in the evening when the house is quiet and empty.
I hate it. #MissMyWife #MissMyChildren
4/13/2017 Saw both of my kids this week. Wish I could do that every week.
4/14/2017 We always watched Hawaii Five-O together.
Now I get to watch it by myself. sigh....
4/14/2017 Trying real hard not to cry. It's a battle I'm losing :'(
4/15/2017 It would make my Easter if I heard from my wife today....
4/16/2017 Tired of crying. Would like to go one day without it.
4/17/2017 I miss my wife so much....
4/17/2017 ... and I am so tired of being sad
4/17/2017 At my weekly therapy appointment this morning
4/17/2017 I just want to go home and go to sleep for days
4/17/2017 Please please please please please come home,
I miss you so much.
4/17/2017 I talk about my current troubles a lot, I know.
I don't really have other outlets to express my feelings
besides therapy appointments.
4/17/2017 My wife was also my first girlfriend. I met her when I was 30.
So obviously I don't have much experience processing breakups.
4/17/2017 I hate this!
4/17/2017 I rely on social media because my best friends are on it.
The human flesh-and-blood friends I have only interact
with me via social media.
4/17/2017 If you look at my tweets and say "oh, WTF, not this again",
yeah, I get that feeling.
Sorry but not sorry.
4/17/2017 Sometimes a series of tweets can at least help me
process some feeling
and get me to the point where I am not as sad.
4/21/2017 Been a decent past three days, no weeping, but I still
wonder what my future holds
for relationships.
4/21/2017 I was with my wife for 20 years, she was my first girlfriend.
Met her when I was 30.
So I don't have a huge track record.
4/21/2017 If I thought meeting someone at 30 was tough, I'm 50 now.
And damaged goods.
How do you fall in love again when you are 50?
4/21/2017 Not that I'm looking to fall in love again. Too soon.
I still want my wife back.
But that's not looking likely.
4/23/2017 Finally climbing out of the hole.
4/23/2017 I am not depressed today. In fact, I haven't been
depressed for several days.
No, today I am mad.
4/23/2017 I am mad that someone thinks so little of a 20-year
relationship with me
that she would just take off from it without talking about it.
4/23/2017 I am mad that I am left in limbo, that she can just
leave when she wants
and come back (or not) when she wants, and not cluing me in.
4/23/2017 I am mad that her friends are treating this like
a high-school game.
"Oh, I've heard from her, but I'm not telling you anything!"
4/23/2017 If I had done to her what she has done to me,
I would be the enemy.
But she leaves, and it is all about her deciding what she wants.
4/23/2017 My 20-year relationship has boiled down to a power play.
Who has the power to impose their will on the other?
I hate that shit.
4/23/2017 I was never the perfect husband. Never claimed to be.
But in order for me to make amends, I have to be able
to contact her, not be cut off.
4/23/2017 And if there are no amends to be made, I deserve to
know that. None of this
"She will tell you when she decides she is ready."
4/23/2017 OK, I am done whining.
5/10/2017 I just realized that I have never broken up with anyone
before. I don't know how to do it.
Better figure it out soon.
5/12/2017 Just woke up after a dream about my wife .  Second night in a row .  Not a good development.
5/13/2017 This whole "starting my life all over again" stuff?
Yeah, I don't like that.
5/13/2017 I really wish I could wish my children's mother a happy
Mother's Day.
But alas, a restraining order makes that impossible.
5/13/2017 if you are in a relationship, and you see some cracks
start to appear, talk it out.
With each other.
5/14/2017 Going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow, therapist on Tuesday.
Man do we have things to talk about.
5/14/2017 Don't really want to be single again,
but the odds of me meeting someone are slim to none
and slim's out of town.
5/14/2017 I don't want to be the one to file for divorce. Shit shit shit.
5/15/2017 Divorce is really freaking complicated.
Especially when your soon to be ex-wife won't communicate.
5/15/2017 I hate being alone in the house. I miss having someone here
5/16/2017 Slowly separating our stuff into "his" and "hers" piles.
Found a tape of songs that we played on our honeymoon.
Damn it all to hell.
5/17/2017 77 days since my world turned upside down. J
ust when you think you have a handle on things- BAM.
Grieving over a relationship sucks.
5/17/2017 Today has sucked royal
5/17/2017 It hurts like hell to lose someone that you have loved
so deeply for so long.
Sorry to keep bringing this up.
5/18/2017 Pray, smoke a bowl, listen to Jefferson Airplane...
whatever you do to give off good vibes to people,
I will take it tonight. Been rough.
5/18/2017 damn this hurts like hell. why tonight?
thought I was making some headway,
but I feel like I've been slugged in the gut with Negan's bat.
5/18/2017 is heartbroken
5/18/2017 Better day today. Sometimes you can handle depression,
sometimes it handles you.
Like the business end of Negan's bat.
5/20/2017 Had another person tell me that it is now time to live for myself.
Still trying to figure out how to do that. Spent 20 years living for her.
5/21/2017
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
---Labrinth, "Jealous"