Friday, July 21, 2017

Coward

One thing I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know...


I'm not a coward. Just because the most important people in my life being ripped away from me makes it difficult for me to survive in this existence doesn't mean I am a coward. It means that I can't shower the people I love with my whole heart with the love they deserve. I try. I'm not succeeding.

It was 529 days ago when my son was taken to live in another home, and 527 days for my daughter. Many nights of weeping, of wondering how to go on, of how someone else can take care of the children who call me daddy and rely on me for hugs and cookies and rides to the store. At that time I thought that it would be the most difficult thing I would ever have to endure.

Boy was I mistaken.

Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal...


It's been 142 days. 142 days since my love left my life. 142 days since I've been able to say "Sean and..." and include a woman's name on the other side. 142 days since the last kiss, the last embrace, the last look into the eyes of the one I vowed to love, honor and cherish until death do us part.

Life is empty now.

It has been probably 141 days since the first person told me that I needed to live for myself now, since the first person suggested that I would meet someone else someday, since the first person took sides. It seems easy for those on the outside looking in to tell me what I ought to do. I would certainly like to see said people try it themselves.

Not so easy when you have to actually do it.

Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on did-didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go

I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard...


I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I've got nothing to lose by being open, by being honest, I mean, as Bob Dylan sang, when you ain't got nothing you got nothing to lose.

People who struggle with suicide are not cowards. They are people with weaknesses, as many of us have weaknesses we all struggle with, and sometimes you just don't have the strength people think you do, you know? Chester Bennington, Chris Cornell, Robin Williams... the unknown man or woman in the obituaries whose death was "sudden" but unlisted... your cousin, friend's child or former boyfriend or girlfriend... the famous, infamous and unknown.

You just don't know what people are dealing with. Don't suggest that suicide victims are "taking the easy way out" when just the act of living day by day may be the hardest thing they ever have to do. YOU DON'T KNOW.

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind, I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how I tried so hard...


I have struggled, I have wept, and yes, I have wondered whether the options for living might possibly include not. I attend counseling sessions, I attend group therapy sessions, I have been hospitalized for days at a time. And yet, when the efforts to be social and seek the help I obviously need are over for the day, I have to come back to a house that is empty yet filled with memories, and a heart that is filled with love that no one longs to receive anymore. And I wonder. Yes, I wonder. Would I miss the Grateful Dead, if... ? Would I miss the church services, if... ? Would those I am surrounded by miss me, if... ? And then the night comes, and I attempt to sleep, and eventually I awake the next day, and the cycle continues. I fight so hard to make it day by day. Yeah, I'm needy. Yeah, I rely on people way too much.

NO, I am not a coward. I am fighting and struggling every day of my life to make it to the next day.

I'm trying not to fail.

It isn't easy.

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter...


(song lyrics from "In The End" by Linkin Park)



Sunday, May 21, 2017

Live-tweeting from the end of the world

3/2/2017 It is official now- my wife has left me.
3/2/2017 Today is one of the top five worst days of my life.
3/2/2017 House is very, very empty this morning.
3/2/2017 She came back to get her things, accompanied by the police.
She really isn't coming back. My life is about to change again
dramatically.
3/2/2017 Wow. I am really all alone now. I don't know what to do.
3/2/2017 She won't even talk to me. Just... gone.
And with that I am scrambling to grab ahold of something
to keep me going.
3/2/2017 I am rambling too much. Sorry.
3/2/2017 This was unexpected,
What do I do now?
Could we start again please?
---Jesus Christ Superstar
3/3/2017 Holding on....
3/3/2017 Morning, everybody.
3/3/2017 Today might be a good day to take up alcoholism.
I've heard that hard lemonade and hard cherry cola
are pretty good.
3/3/2017 Sadness is creeping up on me. I have got to find
something to do.
3/3/2017 20 years this month... our first date was 20 years ago
this month. Married for 18 years.
3/3/2017 Really should get out and do something today,
but damned if I even want to leave the house.
3/3/2017 I wonder how much soda I would have to order
to get the pizza place to deliver it.
3/3/2017 Emptiness. A new feeling which I don't like.
3/3/2017 Shit this day has been bad....
3/4/2017 My thanks to the Baptists that told my wife she had
"biblical grounds" to leave me;
you never talked to me about it, but you know, whatever
3/4/2017 Good night, all
3/4/2017 Sad today.
3/5/2017 Watching wrestling and Walking Dead tonight.
I am used to my wife sitting at the table, not watching,
doing her coloring and puzzles.
3/5/2017 It is so quiet in this house now.
3/5/2017 I wasn't a perfect husband, but damn I tried my hardest.
Guess my best wasn't good enough.
3/5/2017 Wondering why.
3/5/2017 Damn this is difficult
3/6/2017 I'm sorry I'm so needy. But this was not s
supposed to happen.
3/6/2017 I keep checking my phone for texts and messages from her,
I check Facebook for PMs from her... nothing.
3/6/2017 I look out the window two dozen times a day,
hoping she will come home... nothing.
3/6/2017 I wait for her cutesy comments while I am
watching wrestling... nothing.
3/6/2017 I'm lost.
3/7/2017 Day 6 of the separation- no texts, no calls, nothing.
I look out the window constantly- nothing.
She just disappeared.
3/7/2017 This is just a disastrous mess with no way out. I am very sad.
3/7/2017 *sigh*
3/7/2017 Alone for seven days now. Still haven't heard from her.
Sad and depressed.
Constantly looking outside, hoping a car comes by
with her in it.
3/7/2017 I can't take any steps forward until I know whether
she is coming back or not.
And she isn't telling me.
3/8/2017 Some days I have to find the little things to
keep myself going.
Have an interview tomorrow, not too confident,
but it's something.
3/8/2017 Sorry, but this hurts. Badly.
3/8/2017 Getting ready to just give up.
3/9/2017 I don't give a shit anymore.
3/11/2017 Not every man is an ignorant fool. Just thought
I'd throw that out there.....
3/12/2017 All the positive thoughts in the world ain't bringing
her back. She's gone. #depressed
3/13/2017 Whether you believe in prayer, good thoughts,
or just toking while listening to the Dead,
I will take it. I need it. Desperately.
3/13/2017 I am sinking like a stone. This is not good.
3/13/2017 Yes, I am in touch with counselling services,
and the mental health hotline checks in with me nightly.
3/13/2017 It still sucks to lose everything that ever meant anything
to you. That's where I'm at.
3/13/2017 Sorry to bum you out. Back to funny memes
and reality show talk.
3/14/2017 It's that time of the night- time to weep.
3/14/2017 I have to actually leave the house tomorrow.
I suppose that's a good thing.
3/14/2017 hoping that someday I can stop being sad.
3/14/2017 It is unofficially over.
She has notified human services that she is no
longer living in the household,
she has taken her money...
3/14/2017 She has cut off all communication with me.
I have no way of trying to work this out because
I can't even talk to her....
3/14/2017 My life is crushed. I never thought this would happen.
3/14/2017 I have been sad before, and depressed before,
but this is a whole new level of pain.
3/14/2017 I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears...
Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
--Evanescence
3/15/2017 Almost invited the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses
over just to have some company.
I really need to get out of the house.
3/15/2017 Got a call from Matt's home, his behaviors are
increasing again
and they want to increase his meds.
I wish I could take care of him here....
3/15/2017 We have reached that time of the night when I get
sad and weep.
Made worse by the fact that my son isn't
doing well and I can't help. :(
3/15/2017 To have someone that you love make the choice to
walk away- that sucks. Badly.
3/15/2017 Damn it!
3/15/2017 I keep looking out the window hoping that she will come back.
Can't decide if that is faith or stupidity.
3/15/2017 I feel freaking hopeless.
3/16/2017 I'm so sad right now. Sorry, but social media is my only
connection to people right now.
I tweet what I am feeling.
3/16/2017 It is very hard to be alone. To have your kids gone and
the love of your life
choosing to be apart from you.
3/16/2017 When my wife was here I could see her silly cat pictures
she would post on Facebook,
and hear about the kids stories she was writing.
3/16/2017 Now... not a damn thing. It is very quiet in this house.
I am living alone in a three-bedroom house.
3/16/2017 The desperation settles in like a thick fog. I hear people
telling me that it gets better.
It is hard to believe.
3/16/2017 I am going to church on Sunday, even though
I have been avoiding it.
I can't pretend to be happy and put on that happy mask.
Not any more.
3/16/2017 OK, Sean, you can quit looking out the window for her.
She ain't coming home.
Is it faith, or stupidity? I'm not sure.
3/16/2017 Jesus, eHarmony, the corpse isn't even cold yet,
quit promoting your services in my timeline
3/17/2017 Something missing from this finger.... Took some effort
to carve it off my finger.
Not sure what to do with it.
3/17/2017 There comes a time every night when the loneliness
and sadness descends like a fog...
this is that time.
3/19/2017 Today is not a good day.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when the loneliness seems like it will never end.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when you wish you knew what happened so you
could fix it and welcome her home.
3/19/2017 There are good days, and then there are days
when the loneliness just gnaws a hole in your soul.
3/19/2017 I don't hate her. I want her to come home.
But the longer she is gone the less likely that seems.
3/19/2017 Keep in mind that in the past year both of my children
and my wife have left my house.
Thrice as hard.
3/21/2017 Today is bittersweet... the 20th anniversary
of my first date with Laura.
Not the way I would like to have commemorated it.
3/21/2017 Drove a total of three hours for a one hour meeting.
3/22/2017 You think you're OK after your ex leaves,
but some days... BAM!
The grief hits you like a ton of bricks.
3/22/2017 Damn it, her parents and some of her friends know
where she is.
Why won't she talk to me? #Sad
3/22/2017 Here tweets a broken, broken man :(
3/23/2017 Got my answer tonight. I don't like it, shed a lot of tears
over it, but at least I know.
3/24/2017 God this hurts today.
3/24/2017 I can't give up. I can't give up. I can't give up.
3/24/2017 I want to give up. But I can't.
3/25/2017 It's a hard thing when someone you've been with
for 20 years leaves.
Your lives are intertwined for that much time, pain is inevitable.
3/25/2017 You have to figure out who you are apart from that person.
3/25/2017 "Our" belongings, resources, etc. suddenly have to be
separated into "his" and "hers".
A division that isn't always easy.
3/25/2017 25 days into this separation. I still cry at least once a day.
Part of that is the not knowing- could she possibly come back?
3/25/2017 And if she comes back, how can things ever be the same?
I don't think they can. I am willing to take responsibility
for my faults, though.
3/25/2017 Damn it.
3/27/2017 Well what do you know? I didn't cry today!
3/27/2017 Well, I didn't have any depressive episodes today.
So that's a plus.
3/27/2017 Some days are good, some days are sad....
3/28/2017 Thinking about crashing weddings so I can be that one guy
who raises his hand
when they ask if anyone has any objections.
3/29/2017 Missing my kids today really bad:(
3/30/2017 There are days when I feel ok, and days when I wonder
if I will ever be ok again.
3/30/2017 I am awake when I should be asleep, looking at pictures,
thinking of happier times.
3/30/2017 Once again I ask, if you believe in prayer, good thoughts
or whatever, I'll take it.
I need some hope.
3/30/2017 Give me hope, give me hope
That emptiness brings fullness
And loss of love brings wholeness to us all
---Indigo Girls
3/31/2017 I am constantly checking my email and Facebook for
messages from my wife.
I either have a lot of faith or I am just really stupid.
3/31/2017 Finally started cleaning up around here, boxing up her things,
throwing away odd scraps of paper with her doodles on it...
3/31/2017 Time to face the facts... she's gone. Been gone for a
month now. Ain't no April Fools joke.
3/31/2017 Sad today
4/1/2017 Having dreams about falling in love. Haven't had those
since before I got married.
I hate them because I wake up and realize the reality.
4/1/2017 Going to listen to John Mayer on the way to church today.
4/2/2017 I have to resist the urge, when people post engagement
photos, to reply in all caps
"DON'T DO IT!!!"
4/2/2017 Massively depressed today.
4/2/2017 It is difficult, when you go on an errand and then come home,
to realize that the house is empty, and will continue to be.
4/2/2017 No more silly dog pictures on her timeline, no more
hearing about her latest ideas
for children's stories, just... no more.
4/2/2017 No hugs when I need them, no long talks into the night,
no person physically there that understands how much
I miss my children.
4/2/2017 People are dealing with more tragic things than I am. I get that.
But the emptiness still remains. One of the difficult
things to understand
4/2/2017 I may say too much on social media, but I don't say everything.
There are other things going on that have me in a funk
and make life hard.
4/2/2017 So if you think I just talk too much about it, well, online is all I have.
I don't have anyone in the area to talk with. You folks are it.
4/2/2017 If you put me on mute, I get it. May not like it, but I get it.
But at least hold some good thoughts out there for me.
4/2/2017 OK, done whining. For now :)
4/2/2017 Why? What did I do? Why won't she have anything
to do with me?
These are the questions that haunt me every day
since she left.
4/2/2017 And there may never be an answer. In the meantime
my heart aches.
An emptiness that may never get better.
4/2/2017 I feel like I am at the end of the end of the rope.
And there is no soft landing place.
4/2/2017 Sorry for flooding your timeline. I keep on typing t
o keep my mind off other things.
4/3/2017 "Gut-wrenching sobs." Found out what that phrase
means last night.
4/4/2017 Somebody hit Matt tonight, so they had to call me about it,
even though it was barely anything. But I still wish
a certain someone was here.
4/4/2017 Some days are good, and then there was yesterday.
Wept so hard I started throwing up.
This is not an easy process by any means.
4/4/2017 Thank you for your patience with me as I work through this.
4/4/2017 Someone recently told me online- "don't worry,
you'll meet another woman".
Way too soon for that kind of talk. The corpse isn't cold yet.
4/4/2017 You can't turn 20 years of emotions on and off like a faucet.
4/5/2017 Keeping weird hours this week, ever since
Monday's emotional meltdown.
Staying up till two, sleeping late and then napping again....
4/5/2017 ... trying to sleep regular hours but just can't.
4/5/2017 I can't stand this shit anymore.
4/5/2017 Over a month now and no word from her.
I'm so tired of being alone …
4/6/2017 Gonna take my pills and go to sleep now.
4/6/2017 OK, I have to clear something up since I got several messages about this.
When I said "take my pills and go to sleep", I meant (cont.)...
4/6/2017 ...prescribed doses of psych meds. If I was going to commit suicide,
the last thing I would do would be to announce it on social media.
4/6/2017 So, with that said, I am going to bed.
4/7/2017 Grief is funny, hits you when you least expect it.
Had a good day today,
until Hawaii Five-O came on, which we always watched together.
4/7/2017 Oh, I miss you Laura.
4/7/2017 I feel very lost today. No kids, no wife, hell, even the
Jehovah's Witnesses
passed my house by today.
4/7/2017 Just don't know what to do to be happy anymore.
4/7/2017 sigh
4/7/2017 life hurts
4/7/2017 life just fucking sucks.
4/7/2017 help
4/9/2017 Decided at the last minute to drive to Canton
to see my daughter.
Then I'm going to Golden Corral to feed my face
just because I want to.
4/9/2017 I've never been thankful for autism.
But I am thankful that I don't have to explain to the kids
why mom and dad aren't together.
4/10/2017 I am torn between wanting to go on for the sake of my kids,
and not wanting to go on because my wife left.
I am very sad today.
4/10/2017 Weeping hard today. Going to see my son tomorrow,
I hope that helps.
4/10/2017 You think you're finally getting past something, a
nd then BAM! It socks you in the face.
4/10/2017 I want her to come back. She's not coming back.
I am so sad. And tired of being sad.
4/10/2017 Just got some cheering up from a friend.
Thank you. ((((hugs))))
4/10/2017 Got four calls today about Matthew head butting others.
Still planning on visiting him tomorrow.
4/11/2017 Screw it, I'm getting drunk tonight.
4/12/2017 *IF* it is going to get better, it has to get better now.
For the sake of my sanity and my survival.
It has to get better. Now.
4/13/2017 At that point in the evening when the house is quiet and empty.
I hate it. #MissMyWife #MissMyChildren
4/13/2017 Saw both of my kids this week. Wish I could do that every week.
4/14/2017 We always watched Hawaii Five-O together.
Now I get to watch it by myself. sigh....
4/14/2017 Trying real hard not to cry. It's a battle I'm losing :'(
4/15/2017 It would make my Easter if I heard from my wife today....
4/16/2017 Tired of crying. Would like to go one day without it.
4/17/2017 I miss my wife so much....
4/17/2017 ... and I am so tired of being sad
4/17/2017 At my weekly therapy appointment this morning
4/17/2017 I just want to go home and go to sleep for days
4/17/2017 Please please please please please come home,
I miss you so much.
4/17/2017 I talk about my current troubles a lot, I know.
I don't really have other outlets to express my feelings
besides therapy appointments.
4/17/2017 My wife was also my first girlfriend. I met her when I was 30.
So obviously I don't have much experience processing breakups.
4/17/2017 I hate this!
4/17/2017 I rely on social media because my best friends are on it.
The human flesh-and-blood friends I have only interact
with me via social media.
4/17/2017 If you look at my tweets and say "oh, WTF, not this again",
yeah, I get that feeling.
Sorry but not sorry.
4/17/2017 Sometimes a series of tweets can at least help me
process some feeling
and get me to the point where I am not as sad.
4/21/2017 Been a decent past three days, no weeping, but I still
wonder what my future holds
for relationships.
4/21/2017 I was with my wife for 20 years, she was my first girlfriend.
Met her when I was 30.
So I don't have a huge track record.
4/21/2017 If I thought meeting someone at 30 was tough, I'm 50 now.
And damaged goods.
How do you fall in love again when you are 50?
4/21/2017 Not that I'm looking to fall in love again. Too soon.
I still want my wife back.
But that's not looking likely.
4/23/2017 Finally climbing out of the hole.
4/23/2017 I am not depressed today. In fact, I haven't been
depressed for several days.
No, today I am mad.
4/23/2017 I am mad that someone thinks so little of a 20-year
relationship with me
that she would just take off from it without talking about it.
4/23/2017 I am mad that I am left in limbo, that she can just
leave when she wants
and come back (or not) when she wants, and not cluing me in.
4/23/2017 I am mad that her friends are treating this like
a high-school game.
"Oh, I've heard from her, but I'm not telling you anything!"
4/23/2017 If I had done to her what she has done to me,
I would be the enemy.
But she leaves, and it is all about her deciding what she wants.
4/23/2017 My 20-year relationship has boiled down to a power play.
Who has the power to impose their will on the other?
I hate that shit.
4/23/2017 I was never the perfect husband. Never claimed to be.
But in order for me to make amends, I have to be able
to contact her, not be cut off.
4/23/2017 And if there are no amends to be made, I deserve to
know that. None of this
"She will tell you when she decides she is ready."
4/23/2017 OK, I am done whining.
5/10/2017 I just realized that I have never broken up with anyone
before. I don't know how to do it.
Better figure it out soon.
5/12/2017 Just woke up after a dream about my wife .  Second night in a row .  Not a good development.
5/13/2017 This whole "starting my life all over again" stuff?
Yeah, I don't like that.
5/13/2017 I really wish I could wish my children's mother a happy
Mother's Day.
But alas, a restraining order makes that impossible.
5/13/2017 if you are in a relationship, and you see some cracks
start to appear, talk it out.
With each other.
5/14/2017 Going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow, therapist on Tuesday.
Man do we have things to talk about.
5/14/2017 Don't really want to be single again,
but the odds of me meeting someone are slim to none
and slim's out of town.
5/14/2017 I don't want to be the one to file for divorce. Shit shit shit.
5/15/2017 Divorce is really freaking complicated.
Especially when your soon to be ex-wife won't communicate.
5/15/2017 I hate being alone in the house. I miss having someone here
5/16/2017 Slowly separating our stuff into "his" and "hers" piles.
Found a tape of songs that we played on our honeymoon.
Damn it all to hell.
5/17/2017 77 days since my world turned upside down. J
ust when you think you have a handle on things- BAM.
Grieving over a relationship sucks.
5/17/2017 Today has sucked royal
5/17/2017 It hurts like hell to lose someone that you have loved
so deeply for so long.
Sorry to keep bringing this up.
5/18/2017 Pray, smoke a bowl, listen to Jefferson Airplane...
whatever you do to give off good vibes to people,
I will take it tonight. Been rough.
5/18/2017 damn this hurts like hell. why tonight?
thought I was making some headway,
but I feel like I've been slugged in the gut with Negan's bat.
5/18/2017 is heartbroken
5/18/2017 Better day today. Sometimes you can handle depression,
sometimes it handles you.
Like the business end of Negan's bat.
5/20/2017 Had another person tell me that it is now time to live for myself.
Still trying to figure out how to do that. Spent 20 years living for her.
5/21/2017
'Cause I wished you the best of
All this world could give
And I told you when you left me
There's nothing to forgive
But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was
Heartbreak and misery
It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way
You're happy without me
---Labrinth, "Jealous"