Saturday, August 19, 2006

The secret of life (for men)

Your wait is over, guys. I have discovered the secret of life. You may thank me later. The secret to life is...

Learn to cook.

That's right, learn to cook. If your wife has a meeting or has to work late, don't ever look at her with a straight face and say "But what am I going to have for dinner?" She ought to leave your lazy rear right there. I've heard one of my bro's-in-law say that, when his wife was working and his mom had an appointment. "What am I going to have for my dinner?" Well, I'll tell you what you're going to have. You are going to march into that kitchen, grab two pieces of bread and throw something in between them. There will be no ordering DoMarco's Hut Pizza and Ribs tonight. Learn to make a freaking sandwich.

If you aren't down with that I have two words for ya- Betty Crocker. I am telling you, Betty Crocker is your best friend. Forget Emeril, forget Rachel Ray- go with the woman with the red suit and the 70's hairstyle. Spend so much time with Betty Crocker that your wife thinks you're having an affair. Master that cookbook and you can do anything.

You say you aren't married? All the more reason for you to learn to cook. First of all, whatever you cook you get to eat. In order to survive as a bachelor it behooves you to learn to do more than heat up a gravy and meat TV dinner with a brownie mix that has spilled over into the corn. Cooking will earn you points with the ladies, my friends. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Uhh, yeah, right. You serve me up something nasty and you ain't getting my heart, my liver, my colon, or any part of me. But if I can serve you up a fantastic meal, created with my own two hands? I have you hooked for life. You'll be talking about that meal with your friends for 50 years.

And now I'm off. I have to make chocolate chip cookies for the wifey.


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