blue

I had a very vivid dream last night that it was my wedding day. I woke up thinking it was real, and for the rest of the day I meditated on the idea of being in love and having someone love me. The idea of getting married is so far beyond my imagination that I have no ability to conceive of it. I can't believe that it would actually happen for me. But just being in love with someone, actually having a girlfriend... that's possible, right? Even having a girlfriend is something I have a hard time thinking of now. But it's something I want. Badly. Not sex, but intimacy; I'd love to know what it feels like to have someone to talk to, who will be understanding. Someone whom I can hold hands with on long walks in the park. Someone to cuddle up with on the couch. Someone who will draw the smiley face for me.

Someone whom I can shower with love.
Someone who will love me.

What does that feel like? What does it feel like to know that someone has reserved a look just for you? What does it mean to stand entwined in a long embrace, holding your beloved as if the heavens and earth of your world would collapse if you let go, yet standing as firm and as strong as she needs you to be? What does it feel like to engage in a lingering kiss, as if by doing so you could send her away with a part of yourself so she would never be lonely or afraid? What does it feel like to gently wipe warm tears from her face, fully believing that by doing so you could wipe away all of her troubles and fears?

What does it feel like?

How does one describe blue to a blind man?

---journal entry, September 1, 1995