Give me love

I am sitting in the balcony of Berea High School, at the 13th Annual Cleveland Charismatic conference. This morning I sat in the main section of the auditorium, cramped, hot, and sitting next to a fat woman who should have had an extra half seat. And the whole time I was wondering, "Why am I here?", and trying to concoct a ruse to get out of coming tomorrow.

My last entry was to the effect that I was giving my life to Jesus for a complete overhaul. Well, here I am. Jesus, forever Friend, eternal Dude, forever someone to hang with... DO SOMETHING!!! Because things are not getting better. I vowed that I wanted things to get better and they aren't. It's not happening. I'm at a conference where the Spirit is supposed to be flowing like beer at an all-night kegger, and I ain't got a stein. Instead I'm following the movement of long legs under short dresses. At a Christian event.

But I can't pretend. Something has changed. I listen to Christian music because something in my life should be semi-positive, but also because I can get it cheap. That's about the only remnant of Christianity left in my life. The love of God? I don't see it. Lord, if you really do love me show me. I repeat the Prayer of Tom- bring someone into my life who can love me in a similar, albeit imperfect, manner as you (supposedly) do. After all, did you just talk about the Redeemer? No, you sent him. You didn't just talk about your law, you wrote on the tablets. When Moses stretched out his rod you didn't forsake him. When Samson prayed for one more chance you didn't leave him hanging. So don't leave me hanging. Does a child learn how to talk without having someone speak to him? "It is not good for man to be alone"- OK, let's see the proof of the pudding. Show me love.
---journal entry, August 12, 1995