Thursday, February 09, 2006

Guest Blogger: my brother

My brother, Marc MacNair, has sent me some absolutely hilarious e-mails which I've saved. On the occasion of his birthday I present one to you.

I hate (hate, hate HATE) anything forwarded through e-mail, but my sister forwarded me one of these "unanswerable questions of the universe" things this morning and I endeavored to answer them. Marc *******************************************************
> > > >Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Well seeing as how calves drink regularly from the dangly things and survive it seems like a natural decision, especially for some nomadic farmer in 5,000 BC or so who was probably suffering through a drought or something.
> > > > Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
They don't. They do however, as any mechanical device will, malfunction.
> > > > Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
The cold of the freezer would damage the bulb.
> > > > If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Jimmy cracks corn and *I* don't care. It takes a truly self-involved person to go from *I* to *no one*.
> > > >Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Why would it have to? Hearses get police escorts.
> > > >If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Two different skills are involved. Why not ask a brain surgeon why he can't extract a tooth or ask a painter why he can't sculpt?
> > > >Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Do you always USE your crotch when going to the bathroom? There are a couple of different possibilities there. And suppose you just need a mirror or want to wash your hands? No crotch required for those activities.
> > > >Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
It's polite.
> > > > Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Pluto doesn't speak and is therefore not an anthropomorphized character. Goofy has the role of a sentient creature with the power of speech and thought. Pluto is a pet.
> > > >What do you call male ballerinas?
"Ballerina" implies femininity and therefore there ARE no male ballerinas. However, male ballet dancers are generally called male ballet dancers.
> > > >Why ARE Trix only for kids?
They aren't. It's a marketing phrase.
> > > >If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why doesn't Ted Nugent buy venison from some specialty butcher insteead of bow hunting for it? There is value in the challenge.
> > > >Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
They aren't called brokers because they handle your money. They are called brokers because of some service they provide. As money is exchanged for goods and services the name of the good or service does not refer to the medium of exchange.
> > > >If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Quizzes aren't necessarily quizzical. Something is quizzical when its nature implies that there are questions to be asked. Quizzes don't IMPLY this. Quizzes EXIST for questions to be asked. However, there could be some ineffable quality to a quiz that makes it quizzical and a test could be quizzical for just the same reason.
> > > >If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Baby oil is FOR babies, not FROM babies just like motor oil is for motors. Some things are named for their source and some things for their destination. There's nothing particularly quizzical about this.
> > > >If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If what he says is wrong then he's wrong. If what he says is right then he is right. It doesn't matter who or what is there to hear it. Some truths are universal. And men are not blithering idiots despite feminist propaganda to the contrary. If your husband is such a ridiculous moron, why marry him in the first place? At least he looks to see what he's sitting on before he sits on it (see: toilet lid controversy).
> > > >If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Electricity doesn't come FROM electrons. It's named after them. There's a difference.
> > > >Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Disneyworld is operated by people. The mouse is a character.
> > > >Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Twinkle, twinkle little star is the English name of a popular French melody named "Ah! Vous dirais-je, Maman". It was first published in 1761. The Alphabet song is a popular method for speakers to learn the alphabet of a given language. It was first copyrighted by C. Bradlee of Boston, Mass. on February 4, 1834 and titled "The Schoolmaster". The reason they use the same melody is obvious. People already KNEW the melody and setting something to a rhyme or melody that is already familiar makes it easier to remember.
> > > >Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
The full effect of alphabet soup is to enjoy small bits of pasta in a tomatoey broth with vegetables and sometimes bits of beef. Illiterate people can enjoy a good broth just like anyone else.
> > > >Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your a**?
The word "asteroid" comes from the Greek meaning "starlike". The word "hemorrhoid" comes from Latin by way of Greek and means "to flow with blood" or more generally "to flow". "Star" and "flow" have no particular connection to "hemisphere" or "a**", they're just accidents of etymology.
> > > >Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
One thing can be interpreted as an act of agression and one can not. Also, there's a difference between a focused stream of air and a wide flow of air like the wind.
> > > >Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
Because one thing is something you have to believe or disbelieve on faith, unless you want to get into the study of astrophysics and another is something you can test with your finger.


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