Friday, December 16, 2005

I/ I wanna be/ A-nar-chy!

I am an antichrist
I am an anarchist....
---Sex Pistols, "Anarchy In The U.K."

I've been a Christian for about 23 years. Catholic theologians and apologists would say that I've been one my whole life; after all, I was baptized, which leaves an indelible mark on the soul. I would even be acceptable to the traditionalists since I was baptized in 1966, which places me before the new rite of baptism. So I'm in like flynn. Hey, I've even been baptized in a non-denom group, a Church of Christ, and a Baptist church, so I have all of my bases covered.

But for the sake of my current essay, let's just say that I've been an active Christian for the past 23 years, since 1982, when it began to actually mean something to me. You've already read about all my adventures so there's no need to recap. I took to the Bible pretty quickly, and I consider myself a connoisseur of good sermons. I've also attended a boatload of Bible studies, and I quickly gained the reputation for asking the sometimes tough and sometimes ridiculous questions. Have you ever met a little kid who always asks why? That's me. You know that Mountain Dew is the Biblical drink, right? Psalm 133:3- As the dew of Hermon settles upon the mountains of Zion, there the Lord commands the blessing, life forevermore. There it is. And it fits, too, because if you drink enough Mountain Dew you'll be up forevermore. But I digress.

Did you ever wonder who the antichrist was? Some people have stopped reading at this point, not believing that there is a specific antichrist, but rather that there will be a general "spirit of antichrist" that settles in the land. Heck, it's probably already here. But people for years and years have hunkered down with their Bible and the daily newspaper, comparing scripture with scripture and watching it all tie in to current events, and they've figured it all out. Until the next generation comes along and reads a different newspaper.

I just did a Google search on the phrase "who is the antichrist?" and found some interesting links. The second entry said that George W. Bush is the antichrist. They have it all figured out. You see, the Hebrew language has numerical values that correspond to the letters. This is how they lay it out:

G = 3 (gimel)
e = 5 (heh)
o = 70 (ayin)
r = 200 (resh)
g = 3 (gimel)
e = 5 (heh)
B = 2 (beth)
u = 70 (ayin)
s = 300 (shin)
h = 8 (cheth)
total = 666 (Antichrist)
Interesting. Only problem is, it could also be George Bush Sr. Oh well, let's try again.

Another site says that David Hasselhoff is the antichrist. I found this site to be fascinating (as well as less politically inflammatory). They assign the letters of the English alphabet numbers from 1 to 26. Now check out how they do this:

4 1 22 9 4 8 1 19 19 5 12 8 15 6 6
Now, since thirteen is such a fitting number for evil, let's multiply the first 13 numbers together. The total (65,874,124,800) is approximately 6.6 billion. Tack on the remaining 6's from the end of his name, and you've got yourself the mark of the beast.
Another tactic you could use would be to add the letters in "David" (I think you should get 40) and the letters in Hasselhoff (99) and then multiply them together. 40 x 99 = 3960. Now, 3960 is 660 x 6. And of course, 660 plus 6 is -- again -- the mark of the beast.

---(from their site)

The numeric alphabet angle is pretty popular, since another site says that the Pope is the antichrist. Add up the numeric values in the title "Pontifex Maximus" when it's written in Latin, and there you have it. 6-6-6. It's all there, man! Only problem is, which pope? John Paul II? He's dead, in case you haven't heard. Benedict XVI? No way, not a pope who takes his name in honor of gourmet breakfast food.

I am here to lay it all out for you. I know who the antichrist will be. His name is the number of a man. Let the reader understand.

Ronald Wilson Reagan.

It all makes sense. R-O-N-A-L-D? Six letters. W-I-L-S-O-N? Six letters. R-E-A-G-A-N? Six letters. 6-6-6. And he had Alzheimers, which could qualify as the "fatal head wound" prophesied about in the book of Revelation. "But he's dead, Sean!" Oh yeah, bring that up. The antichrist is supposed to rise after three days to mock Christ. Maybe if you take the days...hmm, no... maybe the days are symbolic of political regimes? Hmm. First was Bush Sr., then Clinton, then... nah, we already ruled out Dubya.

Maybe John Kerry was the antichrist? I honest-to-God had people tell me that.

If you haven't figured it out already I'm writing tongue-in-cheek. I really don't know who the antichrist will be and I don't lose sleep trying to figure it out. Something tells me that when he hits town, I'll know. He'll be the one making kids eat beets. Ugh.

And with that, I have to change the Barney video my son is watching. Barney. Hmm.


Blogger okie777 said...

Shalom Sean,

The only Antichrist that any of us should truly worry about is the false egoic self that dwells between our ears proclaiming itself to be God in the Body-Vessel / Temple of the Most-High. It's a shame that the Church remains largely devoid of Early Christian Gnosis.

Thankfully, some are rediscovering it again.

6:31 PM  

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