Monday, September 29, 2014


Manic Depression's touching my soul,
I know what I want,
but I just don't know how to go about getting it.

Feeling, sweet feeling
drops from my finger, fingers
Manic Depression's captured my soul.
---Jimi Hendrix, "Manic Depression"

Swept chunks of wall from my son's bedroom floor this afternoon. Last night was another rough night in a string of many rough nights, more than I care to count, more than I want to remember. Last night he kicked the wall, and headbutt the wall, and made a hole in the wall. When I went to check on him he kicked me, and headbutt me, and may have made a hole in me if I had let him. He widened the hole in my heart, in any event.

No sooner do I fall asleep again than I am awakened by the pleas of my wife. "Sean... Sean... wake up! Matthew's beating me up!" I clear the fog, open my eyes, and see the shadowy figure of my son standing over my wife. But this doesn't make any sense. I have his room secured, by necessity. To let him wander overnight would be an invitation for all of us to receive assaults. I guided him back to his room where I was able to put two and two together. The hole he made led to a closet in my daughter's room. He widened it, he crawled through, he escaped.

Oh Lord, how long?

I'm losing ground
you know how this world can beat you down
I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way

---Nine Inch Nails, "I Do Not Want This"

People began to disappear, as if in a horror movie. Slowly, one by one. You returned from your break and their station would be empty. The rumors began to fly. They're letting people go.

And then they call for you.

Michelle Markel and Bob Gray sit in the HR office, Bob never saying a word. We're restructuring, Michelle says. It is now time to yank the rug out from under everything you hold dear. Get the hell out. Do not talk to anyone. Just go.

Yeah, like I'm going to let you touch any of my stuff, Michelle. I'm getting it, I'm saying goodbye to a few people, and then I'm gone.

Maybe you didn't hear me, numbnuts? Go. We have people you won't get past.

Oh, what the hell are you going to do, send Bob Gray after me? Running three miles an hour in his motorized scooter? Yeah, let him try.

I get up to go. They get up to make me stay. We face off. Oh, did I forget to tell you, Michelle? You don't get to win.

I got my stuff, I said goodbye, and on my way out I slammed the door. Surely that made me feel better.

Well, not really.

Two months after my beloved son was born, my tenure at NACSCORP came to an end, and with it my tiny social circle. And any kind of financial security I thought I ever had.

Jesus, Jesus help me
I'm alone in this world
And a fucked up world it is too
Tell me, tell me the story
The one about eternity
And the way it's all gonna be

Wake up, wake up dead man

---U2, "Wake Up Dead Man"

It's a girl! And what a girl she was. Nine pounds, 5 ounces. One more week and we would have hit ten pounds, I know it. Evelyn would be proud to have my daughter bear her name.

Rebecca Evelyn MacNair was born on September 25, 2002.

Evelyn Jean MacNair died on April 6, 2001.

Evelyn was a special education teacher.

When her namesake was diagnosed with autism, I shook my fist at God. And cried.

Sure could have used my friend Evelyn about now.

Just when everyday
Seemed to greet
Me with a smile
Sunspots have faded
And now I'm doing time
Cause I fell on
Black days
---Soundgarden, "Fell On Black Days"

Men deal with it too.

And that's all I got to say about that.


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