Saturday, September 23, 2006

Happy Birthday to Boo

Monday is my daughter's birthday. She will be four years old. I expect to see a few cards coming in the mail in the next few days. I didn't expect to see a card arrive from Harvest Ridge Assembly of God church in North Ridgeville.

Perhaps an explanation is in order. My wife and I joined Harvest Ridge in April of last year. We left in September of last year, my personal shortest stay in any church. And quite frankly, if I never darken the doors of the place again that will be just fine by me. Why? Well, it might have something to do with the fact that the pastor, Kevin Crow, had decided that the Bible had numerous errors in it; a conclusion he reached in one of his seminary classes. The prof said it, he believed it and that settled it, I guess. It may have something to do with the fact that when my wife and I were having fairly serious marriage troubles he suggested to her that she leave me. He said in a sermon that men don't need love, they need respect. Instead of suggesting to me that I needed to get my spiritual act together, he said that I needed to get a job first before the church would help us.

He was probably the most immature pastor I've ever had.

But the one event that still leaves me dumbfounded every time I think of it, and which my wife and I still joke about today, is his illustration of the covenant. In the Old Testament the priests would take the offering and cut it into two pieces, and walk between the pieces. There is spreading, and there is bleeding. That was part of the ritual of entering into a covenant. Now, what happens when a man and a woman enter into a covenant? I swear, I am not making this up. In front of a Sunday morning crowd he talked about how that when a man and a woman enter the covenant of marriage there is spreading, and there is bleeding. Seriously. That's what he said. And then he justified his crassness with a comment about people being too religious to talk about those kinds of things. It wasn't long after that my wife and I resigned.

Apparently the people at Harvest Ridge are lousy at paperwork, or they genuinely don't realize that we are gone. Getting that card in the mail made me wonder whether the bureaucracy can get in the way sometimes. I've had enough experience with church to know that it does.

So in my best Jimmy Durante voice I say, "Goodnight Pastor Kevin Crow, where-e-vah you ahhh...." Thanks for the card for my daughter. Maybe I'll see you in church on Sunday.



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