Sunday, September 17, 2006

One foot in front of the other

I have a confession to make. The theological whizkid that you see in these pages, the voice that's full of bravado- it's a sham. A deception. A fabrication.

Behind the keyboard, behind the 39-year-0ld fat guy typing these words, is a scared little kid, a child seeking approval.

I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. I take Zoloft and Welbutrin for chronic depression, but when the panic attacks hit, the medicine doesn't help. These panic attacks generally manifest themselves with shaking and crying fits. and usually happen when I'm about to undergo a major change in things. Before I've started new jobs I've had panic attacks. There have been times when I've gotten so scared of what was going to happen the next day, so scared of not meeting the approval of supervisors and co-workers, that I just never showed up. I made up excuses to the H.R. department or the temp agency, different excuses to my family, and then lived with the knowledge that I just deceived the people I love.

I worked in a warehouse for 6 years, and was let go in 2000 in a restructuring move. I stayed unemployed for nine months before I found another job. The night before I cried myself to sleep, if you can call it sleep; it was about 2 hours worth at best. They let me go after a year. I then spent 18 months on the unemployment line, although I did have the aforementioned temp jobs offered to me.

Finally I was given a part-time job in an office, and I loved it. It was the best job I've ever had. I did so well that they promoted me after six months, to full time, and then the trouble began. I was quickly in over my head. The more I tried the more mistakes I made, and the more frantic I became. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

The death of my grandmother sent me over the edge. I just couldn't handle life. After being back at work for two days (after my grandmother's memorial service), I decided that I just couldn't do this. I was making too many mistakes and I feared that they were going to fire me anyway, so I asked them to give me something else. Unfortunately there was nothing else to do, so I was out of a job again.

I've been out of a job since May of 2004. Two and a half years. And now I have the chance to change the course of things. I've been given a free ride to the local vocational school for the next year to study accounting. The end result will be a better job than I've ever had.

And I am scared to freaking death.

I'm not going to quit this; I have too many people holding my feet to the fire on this. And after the first couple of days I will be fine. So if you think about it, if anyone actually reads this blog for some reason other than to dig up dirt on the Hyles family, then say a prayer for me. Maybe two or three.

There are eight million stories in the naked city. Now you know mine.


Blogger Holly said...

Hi! Just wanted to say that by comming out and telling people this it makes you no less of a man.

It makes you more of one in your wifes eyes me I know her even better than you do :)

It is a known fact that men who often try to be macho and try to fit the worldly stereo type of "Real men don't cry crap " are often the most destructive to their wifes, children,family members ,and freinds and many wind up in prison and or dead.

I have great respect for men who are not afraid to show the proper emotion of crying.

Its an emotion that God created in everyone. Another thing your wife apreciates is your total honesty with her in this area as well as others.

She told me she loves you very much and is so greatful for your bravery in admiting your failures and faults and for the change she has seen in you over the past year.

You may not see it but I do, you have become a source of strength in her life as she deals with the ups and downs of her health problems.

I know she drives you insane sometimes ...she drives me insane too...LOL

I have known her longer than you..LOL.
Just the fact that you are doing your best to care for her and your precious children and put up with her Bi Polar mood swings, makes you more than just a man to me.

Well best get going my daughter has been up since I gave her a med strip 20 mins ago

Love In Christ

1:28 AM  

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